Singapore Children's Course

Tamil Course Malaysia

"Why I sit...

Part IV (Satipattana)

Sometimes the gains that I claim I had after the courses may sound exaggerated. Did I suddenly change? Did I become a different person? It may seem dramatic and unbelievable.

Maybe the word "change" is not appropriate--was I not ok before? Was there something undesirable in me that needed change? The answer is no. However, there was that feeling of unsatisfactoriness about life in general which I mentioned earlier. I had a lot of resentment accumulated over the years, a tendency towards depression, and my mood mildly melancholic. Compared to an average person I was less depressed, resentful and melancholic--but personally it was not what I wanted to be. I felt I wasn't living fully, I felt I could do better if I had my anger, sadness, anxiety under control and in better physical health as well.

It was in these directions that I changed gradually, each course providing for some incremental change. There were times when I felt I was becoming worse too. I particularly remember the Satipattana course in the summer of 2000. This is a course one could take after a minimum of 3 ten-day courses.

Satipattana means establishment in awareness, a very important part of The Buddha's teaching. This course is similar to the 10-day course with respect to the time-table and the meditation instructions but different from the chantings in the morning and the discourse in the evenings. Needless to say, it is meant for serious students who have decided that this is the path they want to follow. The morning chantings are from the Maha Satipattana Sutta and the evening discourses are an explanation of the same chantings. We were a few students --about 5-6 females doing the course. I did it with all seriousness but around the middle of the course started feeling very restless--a feeling that I might be called back home for some reason. In fact, when the dhamma sevika came to the hall one morning during our 8 am meditation hour and whispered into the teacher's ear, I was quite sure it was a call for me to get back home. Later, I found out that the unfortunate call was for my roommate, who had to leave the course--I had no means to find out the reason.

The course being done, I left for home on the last day to be greeted by an unusual reception at my parent's place. My husband had taken ill with vertigo during my absence and had to be hospitalised in Chennai. Unfortunately his close relatives chose to view the incident as being due to my negligence towards him and my family and a pre-occupation with my own interests. A lot of unkind and things were said about me and my parents. I was told that my mother was urged to call me back from the course (coincidently on the same day that I felt uneasy and restless during the course) while my father stopped her from doing so and instead decided to ascertain the facts from my husband himself first. I am extremely grateful for his thoughtful decision without which I may not have been able to complete the course.

It's about 10 years since this happened, but I remember it very distinctly because I struggled to learn to forgive the person who said nasty unkind things about me and my parents. I wanted to say a lot of unkind things to this person too--but was stopped by my friend and guide, Sabrina who tried to teach me to forgive. For many months I struggled with this incident unwilling to forgive, to let go. Those were the times when the path seemed very difficult--it was a challenge to practice what I learned in the course. It took me years--4 or 5 until my 5th course in 2005 to let go and learn to forgive.

Yes, forgiving people who have harmed you or said unkind things about you is difficult. But the entire incident helped me understand suffering and the way out of suffering. When I posted on my facebook wall recently, something on forgiveness, one friend said it was better to keep enemies away from you rather than forgive them, befriend them and find that they harm you as a friend. Another person said she agreed that forgiveness heals but it takes a long time to learn to forgive. Quite true. Most things in life which are worth learning takes time, takes patience.

As Viktor Frankl said in his book--Man's Search for Meaning, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves"

But how does this change come about? What the subsequent intense courses taught me was that when such an incident (like the one above) occurred there was a pattern---the person (in this case the relative) said those words and the incident was over. However, I kept replaying the incident again and again in my mind, re-calling every hurting word and emotion. To this I would create an imagined response I should have given the person or may give if another opportunity arose in future. In short, I was creating a mental drama of an incident and replaying it ever so often in the stage of my mind. The incident was painful the first time it occurred and yet here I was replaying it in my mind hurting myself again and again adding a number of dialogues and counter dialogues.

Each time I recalled the incident there was a fresh wave of unpleasantness. Examining this thread bare in each of my courses, closely observing my sensations each time these thoughts came to my mind, with the understanding of impermanence (annicca) as taught by my teacher, I was able to comprehend what I was doing to myself and the way to let go, to forgive. Every thought that arises in the mind is linked to a sensation in the body. These sensations are impermanent by nature--they arise and pass away. During meditation we train ourselves to observe this reality that happens within the framework of our body. In our ignorance of the impermanent nature of the sensations we keep blindly reacting to them in everyday life, just as I was doing earlier with that painful incident. With practice I learned to observe the sensation that came up along with the thought, learned to be equanimous with the painful sensation it brought along with it and then could free myself from the negative emotions associated with it.

This requires training. Therefore sitting on the cushion motionless for about an hour was not just a test in physical endurance but in fact a training of the mind. Training to understand that what arises in the mind ( or any other part of the body) is linked to sensations experienced on the body. Additionally, learning to develop equanimity towards the sensation with the understanding of its impermanent nature-I gradually learned that all sensations I experienced were characterized by impermanence.

Ignorance of this truth of sensations causes our suffering. This realization I started applying in my day to day life. It became easier to forgive some people. When I was able to do that, it increased my confidence in interacting with people--because afterall it is the fear of hurt which becomes a barrier at times in our interactions with people.

By the time I completed my 5th 10day course in end December 2005, there was a huge leap in my understanding of what was going on within me in various situations I faced in life--particularly in my interactions with people. I was able to now regulate my emotions in a better manner, understand myself better and become more content.

Why I sit...

Part III (Progress in the 2nd and 3rd courses)

My sister's death, painful as it was, was still only part of the reason for my taking this path of Vipassana meditation. There was always a sense of disquiet within me... a yearning to make sense of this world, this life. There was a sense of unsatisfactoriness, a kind of emptiness. There were moments of great joy as well. And to many, I was leading a normal, happy life--I had a good husband and lovely daughters.

But as Thoreau said..."Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.." women too! Another gem of his echoes the sentiments I experienced at that time.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Yes, I wanted to live deliberately, to confront my inner self and what was going on in there....and learn if I could whatever lessons it offered.

Meditation was something I had come across when I read J. Krishnamurthy. However, he did not believe in teaching meditation and believed it to be an individual's personal journey. That didn't help much though his teachings in general did.

Then I briefly attended a class in Transcendental meditation but was disappointed with the instructors lack of seriousness of teaching it.

It was in Mumbai sometime in 1984 that I first heard of Vipassana Meditation. Raja, my husband brought home a sheet of paper on which was given the time-table of the 10 day course and the address of the center in Nashik. One look at the time-table and I felt like attending the course. Raja laughed at me and said I cannot stay silent for 10 minutes--leave alone 10 days! And in my immaturity I took offence at this and abandoned the idea.

Anyway, as I have described in Part I of this series of posts, I did my first course in October 1995. The immediate benefits of the course was reduced anger in my interactions with my family--I had greater patience dealing with my young children and discovered the magic of the breath. Whenever I was upset, bringing my awareness to my natural respiration helped me calm down. That was a very significant change in my life.

I tried to practice everyday.. but was not very successful and even when I did sit down occasionally, found it very difficult to do so for more than half-an-hour. I did not consider going back to do another course.. it was with great difficulty that I did the first one. However, I kept in constant touch with Sabrina, who was my mentor, guide and friend. She was and has always been a source of inspiration to me on this path.

It was not until we moved to Chennai from Hyderabad and I decided to enroll for my PhD program in Madras University, that the possibility of doing a second 10 day course came up. So impressed with the teaching I was, that I toyed with the idea of making Vipassana meditation, the subject of my research.

An invitation to assist in a Teenager's course at Chennai's Santhome School for Boys, became a subject of a research paper. It was a study on the role of meditation in the emotions ( anger and anxiety) of adolescent boys. It was after this publication that I went on to attend my second 10 day retreat.

In many ways it was a significant 10 day course...My parents weren't so angry this time--may be they decided there was just no point in it--in fact after I returned from the course and described it to them, they were pretty much inclined to try it themselves!--or so they said.

During the course I had a painful headache which lasted 2 days. I was forced to observe it --"observing" pain - and there were pains everywhere-- not only in my head. I struggled with it initially and then realized that the only way out was to accept it and experience it without resisting it. I experienced first hand that whenever we encounter something we do not like, our mind immediately shuts off, resists it or tries an escape route. Anything to avoid pain and experience pleasure! Here I was forced to face up to pain, experience it without reacting with aversion towards it.

It was also the first course where I could sit in addhitan ( sitting still without moving for one hour 3 times a day from the 4th day onwards). It was also the first course when I experienced a my body dissolve into wavelets.. albeit for a just about a minute--after which the experience never came back.

As I went through these significant experiences, the real test of any change I might have gone through, was to be observed only outside of the retreat. And sure enough there were many changes. First major change that I noticed was that I experienced greater comfort conversing with people. Prior to this I felt uncomfortable with strangers and could not really connect with many of my acquaintances. I could get along only with very few close friends. This course helped me knock out layers and layers of fear and people discomfort. This change helped me immensely in my interpersonal relationships. I felt a genuine warmth and liking for people and found it being reciprocated as well.

Another significant realization was that I could survive a headache without taking a headache-tablet. Although this did not sustain outside the course--I suffered unbearable, mild migraine type of headaches frequently-- first time I realized that I could overcome a headache without taking a pill. This helped me strengthen my resolve to stay on this path.

In addition there was a deeper and clearer understanding of anicca ( impermanence), which helped in dealing with my anger and other negative emotions.

Most importantly, I realized that this was the path for me... and all I had to do was to keep walking on it!

I will be elaborating these significant changes in my next post.

Why I sit....

Part II (Reasons)

Before going on to my experiences of the second course I took, I pause to reflect on what got me on to this path in the first place...why did I have this compelling need to do this course? I have often been asked this question.

When I look back....it probably began sometime after my sister died in a fire accident at home. The saddest days of my life..beginning 16th of August 1980. I was about 17 years old and she 25. We were chatting on the terrace in our home in Secunderabad, India, when suddenly she said she could smell gas (cooking gas). She said she will go down to the kitchen to check and as she was going, she turned around and asked me to come too. My parents were sitting on the other side of the terrace and asked me why we were going down. I told them that Jaishri suspected a gas leak, and I hurried behind her. As she opened the kitchen door, we saw to our horror the gas tube had come out of the stove and the room was stinking with gas. She quickly went over and closed the gas cylinder, while asking me to open the windows to let the gas escape.

How did it not occur to us that there was a lamp burning right there in the altar at one corner of the room? So many times I have tormented myself over this question. Why did I listen to her suggestion to open the windows before putting out the burning lamp? Why didn't I think that if I opened the window, the fresh air would cause the flame to be ignited and there would be an explosion of fire? How many times have I replayed this in my mind, wishing I had acted differently, wishing I had prevented the accident, wishing she hadn't suffered burns, death..

She died on 19th August 1980 a day after her birthday. She lived exactly 25 years. A life snuffed out so suddenly so tragically and right there in front of me..

That huge loss, painful blow, forced me to wonder why we are born, why we die, the transiency of life, the suffering therein. There were no answers... The guilt, the shame, the torture that I went through were unimaginable. I tried reading a number of books to find answers, from J Krishnamurthy, to religious texts, to listening to discourses by Swami Chinmayananda, Psychology, Philosophy, whatever I could. I am not sure if they helped, but what stood out was one story in the life of The Buddha. The story of Kisa Gotami.

This lady had lost her young son and was so overcome with grief that she wouldn't allow him to be cremated, insisting that he was only sleeping. When people saw her plight, someone suggested that she go to The Buddha and maybe he could revive the child. She went to him eagerly, carrying the child and told her story. The Buddha asked her to get a spoonful of mustard seeds and he would revive the child. However, he said he wanted her to get it from a household where no death has ever occurred. On the face of it, it was a simple task and the lady happily hurried away. After going round her village she could easily get mustard seeds, but the second requirement--that it should be from a house where no one has died could not be met. She finally was able to awaken to the reality of the situation--that her child had died and nothing could bring him back to life.

She went on to become a disciple of The Buddha and is said to have become fully enlightened.

This story provided some kind of solace to me and along with it a curiosity about meditation...what was this practice about? It seems to have provided answers to so many people, made them peaceful and enlightened--maybe it could give me answers to my questions too?

However, it was only about 10 years later, a marriage and two children, that I finally got to do a course in meditation. Those 10 years had a mixture of highs and lows, stresses and tensions which only strengthened my resolve to attend a course.

Why I sit....(with apologies to Paul Fleischman, who wrote an essay with this title)

Part I (How it all started)

It's been 15 years of practice of Vipassana meditation as taught by Goenkaji. I have been taking a course almost every year or every other year. With every course there has been a significant gain, valuable insights and a gradual change in me as a person. In these posts I wish to record some of my experiences in each of the courses that I took. In this particular post I write about my very first course.

I clearly remember the day when I set out for my first 10 day course in Hyderabad. It was the 6th of October,1995. I was a lecturer in Psychology in St. Ann's College, Mehdipatnam, Hyderabad and we had a one week break for Dashera. This, I thought was the best time to do the course as I would only have to take 2 additional days of leave, the course ended on 16th of October. My children were 8years and 3years and I planned to leave them with my parents who were taking care of them when I went to work.

However, it wasn't as simple as I thought. My parents were horrified. Why would I want to leave my young family and go for a course in meditation? I was very determined--there was such a compelling pull towards attending the course. But it was painful to go against the wishes of my parents. At the suggestion of my friend, Sudha, I contacted Sabrina, a senior meditator and she invited me to join her as she was leaving for the Vipassana center to help in the registration of new students for the course.

Meeting Sabrina was one of the most exhilarating experiences I have ever had. It was a joy to be in her company, and she allayed my fears, misgivings and doubts about attending the course--with simple straightforward answers to my questions. The most significant thing that she shared with me on that memorable drive to the Vipassana center was: " Whatever arises, is bound to pass away" and " When you have set out to do something good, nothing bad will ever come out of it". She had ( and still has) a presence in which I felt comforted.

Later that evening at the center she gave a group of us a preview of what we were to experience in the 10 day course---and I was and still am so grateful for that. She explained the 3 major steps --sila, samadhi and panya and gave us a heads up on important milestones we were to experience in the 10 days. Not only did I feel reassured by her explanations, I was quite sure that this was the path I was looking for.

The first course was difficult and I struggled through it. The first difficulty was maintaining silence--physical silence was not too difficult but silencing the mind was. In addition, we were asked not to maintain eye contact with anyone and walk with eyes downcast. However, I had come with the firm conviction that this was the path I really wanted to follow, braved all the displeasure of my parents, I had to make it good!

Somewhere on the 7th or 8th day I started wondering whether life had to be take so seriously? Till then I went about living life in the way I best understood, not really mindful of my actions, emotions or interactions with people. The daily routines of the meditation course--early morning rise at 4 am, meditating for about 10 hours a day--forced me to confront my life. I wasn't mindful before--but now I was given the opportunity to experience for myself what living mindfully, could result in. More over, I was forced to experience suffering and look at it as it was! Not escaping from it, not avoiding it but for the first time observing it objectively, dispassionately and probably with equanimity. Of course, I wasn't always successful, but traces of this (objectivity/equanimity)started penetrating my consciousness.

I hadn't yet grasped it fully but the possibility of getting different results from life was dawning on me. And it was precisely because I was unhappy with my experience of life thus far that I joined the course in the first place!

The few moments when I could clearly understand and follow the instructions, the few moments I could stay with my breath with undivided attention, the few moments that I could observe my sensations with equanimity, resulted in so many insights, so much of peace and tranquility and above all a joy of realizing that there is another way of living my life which held a promise of greater happiness and satisfaction.

The final day, Day 10, was Metta Day and it was a wonderful way of bringing a closure to what I had gone through the previous 9 days. These 9 days made me realize the suffering I was carrying with me so far was the reason for my rudeness and anger towards some people in my life. I learned now how to deal with this internal suffering and transform it and to the extent I was successful in doing it, I was freed from those toxic negative feelings and emotions that would earlier engulf me and almost consume me.

With this awareness (whatever, little it was in that first course) I could radiate happiness, peace and harmony towards all beings.

(I will be continuing on this theme, and discuss my progress in each of the subsequent courses that I took.)

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