Books and the stories behind them Part 2

Memories of the time spent in British Council Library are numerous. It was close to my dad's workplace. It was his after -retirement  workplace and he would insist that I match my visits there (to BCL) to his office timings so that he could pick me up or drop me there on his scooter. My protests would go unheeded and I sometimes missed going to BCL with my friends as a result of this. But that's a different story reserved for another blog.

Coming back to the books I borrowed and read from BCL Winston Graham comes to mind. Recently when I googled him, I found that he is better known for his Poldark series, but it was his other novels that I avidly read.

Marnie, After the Act, The Sleeping Partner, Cordelia and more... the titles are hazy. My friends at that time were into Mills & Boon and one of them thought I had no idea of what romantic stories was about. Till one day she took a Graham novel to read from me and came back totally flabbergasted. She said she was shocked at the storyline and more surprised that a serious person like me who read only classics would read such literature.

While she could do that, M & B were strictly forbidden at home. They were considered sleaze. I was so curious about them that a friend in school gave me one to read reassuring me that there were "good" ones too. She was a topper in class and I was convinced. But yet had to hide the book from my parents & read. Soon I gave up, reading something in fear of being caught was just not worth it. I could hardly get past a few pages.

I wept reading some books... the one I clearly remember was A J Cronin's " The Spanish Gardener" . It was a sad tale of an over strict father getting his son to a psychiatrist because the boy formed a special bond of friendship with a Spanish Gardener who worked for them. At some point of the book I remember putting it down and having a good cry.

Around this time due to the untimely, sudden death of my sister, I was drawn to books that could offer  solace and meaning to the grief I was experiencing. I read a lot of poems of Shelley and even read about his life in detail. Hesse's Narcissus and Goldmund was another memorable one. It briefly introduced me to the teachings of the Buddha & meditation practices. Curious about meditation I read J Krishnamurthi with great interest, thoroughly intrigued with the occult practices in  the Theosophical Society. I remember poring over Krishnamurthi's Notebook that I found at BCL

Krishnamurthi was not exactly welcome at home with my parents, strange it was , as they would permit my sisters to read him.

I remember having serious intense discussions with a friend at that time on whether Hesse was or had inclinations towards homosexuality. According to her, his writings clearly gave that impression - that he was inclined towards it but suppressed it. And a man who was so suppressed had nothing much to offer. She also introduced me to William Golding's Lord of the flies.  I struggled to read it, unable to accept that little kids could turn so violent and become cannibals. 

One book that stands out towards the end of my teens is "Dibs: In search of Self" by Virginia Axline. It was heavy reading.. A true life tale of a boy labelled autistic & retarded, who through the process of play therapy is able to work out his emotional relations with his parents and find his authentic self. He goes on to have an  IQ of 168 (genius) at the end of the therapy sessions with Axline.

That book left a remarkable impression on me and till today it is a must- read for all my students in Psychology classes that I teach. It was also a book that helped me decide what course of study I would pursue for my Masters  degree. 

To continue..

Books and the stories behind them (Part 1)

I can't really remember when I started reading books or whether I particularly loved reading them. We had an hour each week for library in school and it was there that I started reading books by Enid Blyton. I loved them and looked forward to that time each week. 

My scholarly, erudite sisters read a great deal of classics such as Thomas Hardy, Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte and ofcourse we had the Complete Works of Shakespeare. There was Oliver Goldsmith too...how can I forget "The Vicar of Wakefield" that I valiantly tried read or was forced to read. These books didn't particularly rouse my reading interest the way books by Enid Blyton did, but they were the kind of books good children from good families were supposed to read. My dad would eloquently talk of the richness of Goldsmith's writing and would read to me Shakespeare plays as well.

What caught my interest though, was my sister's penchant to act out a few lines from various plays of Shakespeare. The long, boring summer holidays were interspersed with learning some very interesting speeches by heart and reciting them like a theater artist would. I remember them fondly to this day and on occasions entertain my family with them. 

My memory goes back to 6th grade, when during the summer holidays my sister introduced me to Charles Dickens "A tale of two cities" It was difficult reading but interesting in parts. I learned about the French revolution, the guillotine (still sends a shiver down my spine to think people were executed in that gruesome way), Madame Defarge & her knitting, and unforgettable Sidney Carton. Sidney Carton has a special place in my memory as I answered a quiz question on him soon after school reopened. More than getting the answer right & scoring a point, I still remember the look of bewilderment & disbelief in my classmates face that I, a back bencher and no gooder in studies got the answer right. 

Then came the days of the British Council Library that opened its branch in Hyderabad. The rich collection of books I was introduced to there!! Somerset Maugham entered my life for sometime.. Moon & Sixpence, Razor's Edge, Of Human Bondage, Mrs Craddock.

Then it was George Orwell and I remember being impressed with his  "Keep the Aspidistra flying" more than all the other books he is well known for.

Looking back I wonder if I remember the stories in these books. I remember I read them though. But not sure of their contents. Some stand out by the richness of their content. Keep the Aspidistra flying shook me up, made me think & contemplate on how important money was. But memories of some other books fade or have become blurred.

(To be continued)

 

The girl I knew in School

It was probably 1975. I was in 8th grade in high school. There was an exam coming up on Monday and I was clueless. I didn't know what was going to be tested or what I had to study. My sister, Jaishri asks me to contact classmates who might know but I don't have their contacts. Exasperated, she asks me to name atleast one topper in the class. I say Vanita Luthra, her parents were doctors. With this information, Jaishri took me to the neighbours house to get this girl's number from the phone directory, to contact her.

Jaishri was my gaurdian, being much older than me. She stepped into this role after my elder sister Malathy got married & left home in 1974. I had a huge problem of myopia and no glasses.. but that is a different long story. The point is I was clueless about the exam, and it had to be fixed. We did not have a phone, and our neighbours' was one of the few families in the neighbourhood that had one.

We got the number, dialed, and Jaishri asked me to speak to Vanita. But I was terrified. I had a poor opinion of myself, timid, scared of everything especially related to people & school. Aggravated with poor eyesight, life then was a big blur. So Jaishri ended up speaking to Vanita. Vanita was most helpful. Not only did she give a comprehensive idea of the exam, she even dictated her personal notes she made from her referencing in the school library. The girl was truly on top of everything. She knew it. And so willing to share. Amazing!

Jaishri gave me that glare... Look at you!!! And look at this amazing girl!!

I don't remember how I fared in the exam, but I remember Vanita telling me she enjoyed speaking to my sister. She asked if I needed more help.. and to ask her if I did. I didn't have to press for my sister's assistance she said.

I rarely initiated conversation with her or anybody for that matter in school. I was overcome with confusion and fear and could rarely make sense of what was going on.

There were flashes of brilliance though. Like when I scored 9/10 in a topic of Simple Pendulum when Vanita scored only 5. I remember she wanted to know where she lost marks and asked the teacher  how marks were allocated and graded.  How did she know all this? To monitor her performance? To care about tests and exams? 

Vanita was sweet & kind to me. We went our separate ways after school and I heard she joined Thangam Phillip institute of cookery & hospitality in Mumbai. I was surprised at her career choice.. but never got in touch with her again.

Till a chance google search on people who influenced me, I came across this horrific article that said she jumped off the 23rd floor of a building in Versova, Mumbai in December 2018. It said she had a jewelry business going. I am shocked and distressed.

I regret not reaching out to her in these years past. Just to tell her how much her kindness, support, generosity & exuberance touched me. Perhaps the only true connection in the general blur of high school. How aweinspiring she had been, how I wished to emulate her in school! Would it have made a difference to her decision?

A day at home March 28th 2020

These are the days of pandemic ..the much heard & talked about Corona virus. Infact even when its silent everywhere and I am not with my handphone, my mind keeps chattering "corona virus, corona virus.." I wonder if there is anything else apart from this in this world. 

Well we need to go about the business of our daily lives, which has altered quite a bit. I have to get my course materials ready to be delivered online and therefore have to become more techsavvy. So there is plenty to learn each day.

Then the house has become more populated with family members getting in the way of each other. I need to schedule my class to be delivered from home, while Raja has to attend office work from home. Akanksha flits and floats in between worried about her article thats overdue. Earlier this morning was an avoidable altercation with Pavithra on coffee making amidst a sudden scare at the sight of an ambulance & police car in the opposite building.

My venous insufficiency (caused due to varicose veins) flared up in the midst of this disturbance to routine. Observe your mind state, advises my meditation guru. Yes, I have become a little more reactive than usual and maybe it is finding its outlet in dryness/oozing feet which feel like burning pin pricks now and then.

Raja offers to cook pulao for lunch and I look gratefully at him as I feel a spike of discomfort from my foot. He goes to the kitchen and asks .. Do you think I can do a round of laundry first? I say Ok . Minutes later he comes to show me the lint collected in the lint catcher of the machine. On another reactive day, I would have interepreted this as his criticism of my housekeeping skills..but not today. I just nodded my head in acknowledgement.

After a while he wanted cinnamon sticks.. so I went in to give it to him, then bay leaf. I had kept a couple of pieces in my easy to access masala box, so I told him where he could find it. But he was disappointed with the quantity. So I directed him to the fridge which had a full packet of them. Then he started a conversation of whether bay leaf had any aroma worth talking about.

Finally came the call for basmati rice! Where is it? The usual box in which it is kept was empty & he was now worried. Well there was enough in the box next to the usual basmati box but ofcourse, it required another trip to the kitchen by me to help him find it.

Meanwhile someone messages me about the all time high deaths in Italy. Well we all need to go sometime, somehow. I gaze at some of my artwork and recall the moments of joy they gave me as I was making them and as they do now adorning parts of my house.

This is why we need art. The patience we develop, the spaces of unhurriedness, the imperfections that teach you some lessons and the beauty that emanates, making life worthwhile. I settle down on my couch with my feet elevated to ease the discomfort to write my tale of today.

Back to Basics with Sabrina, vipassana teacher, a barefoot messiah

"Come, do the 30 day course at Dhamma Nagajjuna in April-May" she said with an air of finality that I found difficult to refuse. I have known Sabrina since my very first Vipassana Course in 1995, and she has been my inspiration on this path ever since.

I had registered for a 20 day course at Dhamma Thali, Jaipur in Jan-Feb 2019 and was wondering how I could do another long course so soon. Sabrina had a solution to that. Turn the Jaipur course into service (volunteering to help in the course) and attend the 30 day course.

So there I was in the extremely hot Hyderabad with temperatures soaring to 40-42 degrees Centigrade. The Dhamma hall is very intelligently built with no firm walls on the outside but rather a row of pillars covered on the outside with a mesh so as to prevent mosquitoes from entering the hall. Cross ventilation with a high ceiling ensured a good temperature in the hall even on a hottest day. Fans hanging from the ceiling were never used during the course. We meditated most of the day in the Pagoda cells and they were very hot as well--there are no fans in the cells and we meditate with the door closed.

I went to my teacher complaining about how hot it was and how much I was sweating and that it was difficult to stay still. She looked at me and smiled and said "Be happy that you are getting a steam bath for free" I don't go to steam baths I protested. She said it's good to sweat. Toxins get released from your body. Look at our lifestyles! We never allow the body to get rid of toxins the natural way and that's why we end up with so many illnesses.

When I signed up for the course I requested for a chowki (a low stool) as I wondered if I could sit cross legged on the floor due to my Chronic Venous Insufficiency. She again smiled allowed me for a day on the chowki and asked me to try sitting on the floor on the cushion cross legged, without my compression stockings. I was hesitant but she assured me that sitting cross legged would help in the circulation of blood in my legs. And finally this was the first course I meditated in the cell with the door shut.. bravely facing the fears that came up --the cells are small and dark and I never felt comfortable meditating there earlier times.

Another amazing thing she did was to walk barefoot in the mornings and evenings when it got relatively cooler. Earthing is important she said. Allow your feet to touch the earth and experience what it feels like.

There are no water coolers in the campus. Water is stored in mutkaas ( mud- earthen pots) that give us water at the right temperature to quench our thirst.

Sabrina is a one of a kind teacher--unusual and unique. Persuasive in a gentle way you know she has your welfare in mind. 

I progressed very well following most of her instructions---one major one was correcting my sitting posture--back straight and chin-up.

She urges one to follow a simple life that we have long forgotten and I even started sitting cross legged on the floor during breakfast and lunch.

The tough one was to walk barefoot--that still work in progress. :)

Amazing experience. So its back to basics  now.

My story : A Journey reflux

I was trying to think when did it all begin? When did these feet/legs of mine that did so much work change beyond recognition? Though not very regular, I used to go for a foot reflexology once in a way. I did yoga occasionally and meditation most regularly. Whatever problems I had with my feet those days, I believed were sankaras that were coming out and I observed them with equanimity. May be I was mistaken. Maybe they were the initial signs of what was to follow.

My earliest memory was in January -February 2016. The previous year I was using the em-tech machine for my arthritis. It is a machine that emits various forms of heat. Em tech Wellness centers are located in many places in Singapore and it is supposed to be very effective in curing or ameliorating many conditions. So impressed I was after trying out at the wellness center for one month that I bought one and started using it at home regularly.

Sometime in the end of January and beginning of February 2016 I noticed a rash on my left foot just below my toes. I went to my Ayurved doctor at Ayush and she gave me a cream and some medicines. Very soon my foot started becoming red and swollen and I suspected the area under my toes to be infected. I went to a skin specialist in Jurong Ketchil and he diagnosed it as Cellulitis and put me on a course of antibiotics. I recovered from it and from then on would regularly moisturize my feet. I stopped using the em-tech machine.

I had some intermittent problems thereafter with the foot which I would respond to with temporary remedies. I remember asking the doctor about the discoloration that had begun and his response was "You should be glad it is not on your face". A very unsympathetic and unprofessional response.  It wasn't until July 2017 that my feet screamed for attention again. I was sitting a 10day course in Dhamma Vipula, on Belapur Road, Mumbai and they were burning a lot making it difficult to sit through the course. Later in August that year I conducted a 10day course in Penang and had problems again.

I decided to visit the doctor at the polyclinic this time hoping there would be a better diagnosis and treatment for my aching, burning feet. He was the first doctor who said it might be due to varicose veins and compression stockings could be a possible solution. He gave me medicines for the immediate relief from pain and I looked up Guardian Medicals for over the counter compression socks and started using them. It was only much later that I learned there are many kinds of compression socks and I should have got the medical grade compression socks. Anyway to move on with the story..

I was wearing the compression socks regularly and to my dismay found I had a blister coming up. Problems seemed relentless and no sustained help available. I googled for doctors still under the impression that its probably a skin issue probably due to the use of em-tech machine. I found a doctor at Mt.Elizabeth and she told me I had an ulcer and taught me how to take care of it and nurse it back to normal. It took a long time to heal and meanwhile I was consulting doctor friends and everyone in the know for solutions. One doctor friend in Hyderabad did advise me to consult a vascular surgeon. I had not heard that specialization till then and was wondering how to get to one in Singapore. This was end of December 2017.

The ulcer healed finally and with great enthusiasm I earnestly began to learn swimming. But not for long as I started getting small ulcer type eruptions on my feet and also what I now know to be "atrophe blanche" where in the skin seems to split giving it a ridged appearance one stage before ulcer formation. I applied soframycin, an antibiotic cream I had got from India, along with some organic haldi (turmeric). There was some relief from the blister type of irritation. I decided to re-contact my Mt. E doctor but I got an appointment only for Jun13th 2018. I left for India in May 2018 after my Spring semester and consulted a doctor in Mumbai who re-affirmed that the issue was due to varicose veins. He gave me some ointments, but nothing really helped as very soon I had anothe ulcer coming up.

This ulcer was really painful as I could barely walk properly and was in constant pain. I looked up for a vascular surgeon at SGH as a private patient to get an earlier appointment. The Mt. E skin specialist suggested that I get a biopsy of the skin around the ulcer done at the National Skin Center and my appointment there was for the 8th of August..this was in June 2018. Through strange combination of incidents, I landed in  Ng Teng Fong Hospital, Jurong where I was admitted and suddenly I was taken seriously and all tests conducted swiftly.

Skin Biopsy report as well as Ultrasound Doppler test on my legs confirmed that I had venous insufficiency /venous reflux which meant that the blood that returns to the heart by the veins was not doing its job due to faulty vein valves. Therefore the blood returned to the feet thereby releasing free radicals and other proteins destroying the tissues and causing ulceration.

As the reflux was from both superficial as well as deep veins, surgery was not considered. Surgery is normally done only on the superficial veins and not the deep veins I was told. This surgery involves clipping and sealing off of the refluxing vein. Deep veins carry 95% of the blood back to heart and so it is too dangerous to perfom surgery on them.

 So now the solution was to wear compression bandages which would enable the blood to move upward in the correct direction. Once the ulcers healed I would have to wear compression stockings forever. Ofcourse, I can take them off if I am resting by keeping my feet elevated above the heart level.

Thus I continue getting on with life. One semester came and went and I pretty well got used to life with compression stockings. No more painful ulcers but the skin is dry & scaly and needs to be kept moisturized.

I used to look down on my feet before, now I look up to them more often 🙂

When life turns upside down

When life turns upside down, I have learned to start working upside down.

Yes, my current condition is called venous insufficiency / venous reflux which means that blood from the veins is not getting circulated back to the heart due to the malfunctioning of venous valves in the legs. So they flow back to the feet and slowly start damaging the tissues in the feet giving rise to painful ulcers.

The solution is to wear compression bandages till the ulcer heals and then compression stockings to ensure proper circulation and prevent ulcers. Compression bandages have to be changed twice a week at the hospital where trained nurses would dress me  with the bandages. Stockings are better in the sense they are self managed.
Exercise such as walking and flexing of feet,  keeping feet elevated (above the heart level) are other ways to manage this condition.
I am told that people whose jobs require long hours of standing or sitting are likely to suffer from this condition.

Life has certainly changed with this as I am more often lying on my back with legs elevated. The yoga posture.. viparita karani is very helpful. This is the posture where the legs are at 90 degrees to the body and the wall serves as support to the legs.

So my life turns upside down literally. Having been upright (pun intended) most of my life I now lie almost upside down. While initially it was inconvenient as I wondered how to get my work done...work such as marking papers or reading or art, I have now learned to do all this in this new posture.
I even meditate in this new posture.
Meditation has helped me a lot. I live moment to moment sinking into the pain and discomfort, observing it with equanimity.
As awareness increases there is less and less tendency to complain.
Ofcourse I am not saintly all the time. My family has seen me lose my cool a number of times as I snap at them or scream at them.

But on the whole its been a journey towards greater wisdom, developing gratitude for whatever good I have been given.

Time to give the legs the rest they deserve. When life turns upside down, I learn to work upside down.