Reflections

"the version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility"

This quote has been doing the rounds on the internet & social media, with many people endorsing it, liking it & sharing, retweeting it  countless times. I did so too, as it rang an instant bell in my head and made me exclaim "how true!". 

Just a few days ago before I came across this quote, I went through an unpleasant situation at home when my husband and daughter said they were afraid to say anything to me as I tended to react with anger and hostility. I was distressed, and as I took time to understand this "feedback" from them I recognized that I was similarly evaluating others and felt I was correct in doing so.

So many times we make a quick evaluation of people we meet : He is very hyper, she is too sensitive, he is too impulsive etc. 

We think we "know" people. But do we? 

For that matter, do we know ourselves at all? Actually the only person we have lived with all our lives is ourself. Yet, do we really know ourselves truly? I might think "I am a calm person" but that is true only till I lose my cool when provoked.

We seemed to have an image of ourselves, and of others and we are constantly reacting to these images. This is brought out so well in an interesting illustration by Shri S.N Goenka in the 10day Vipassana course in his  Day 9 discourse

We meet a person and like him very much. It's because in our perception (which is an evaluation of what we experience) he is very good, wonderful , helpful and makes us happy. We meet him after a gap of few years and that image of his good persona comes to mind. If he acts different from our image of him, we become so unhappy , unable to comprehend what went wrong in our impression of him. 

Similarly we keep forming images of everyone around us including our own selves and keep reacting to these images based on our evaluations. If we just pause and think that it's only our perception that helped build that image, we would come closer to the reality that each of us change and grow every minute. The so called "obnoxious" person was so only because of our perception of him, he may have a good side to him, and just because we did not see that good side does not mean it does not exist.

We all have different facets to ourselves, some visible and some hidden and it would help us a lot if we did not make harsh assumptions and evaluations of others, as these are based only on our limited experience of the individuals we come across. The truth of what the person really is, would be much more than what we are aware of.

To the person who is at the receiving end of the evaluation, like me at the start of this blog, it would be good to pause and get in touch with our inner self and not get distressed  but look at the evaluation more  objectively.  Develop our equanimity and continue our practice daily.

Books and the stories behind them Part 3

I would like to pause here to think why I write this blog? Is reading important? Yes it is, it develops your vocabulary, your expression and an opportunity to immerse yourself  in language and literature. It can shape your thinking, and provide solace & encouragement at times. 

"Man's mind stretched by a new idea never goes back to it's original dimension"  This quote by Oliver Wendall Holmes was in a book that was gifted to me. 

Which is what a whole lot of "self-help" books did for me in my teens. Wayne Dyer's "Your Erroneous Zones" taught me how not to procrastinate and in general understand & manage my emotions.Presented along with case study examples they made reading interesting.

Of course I don't remember much of the details in the book. I remember it did impact my thinking and helped me learn a few good habits. I loved Wayne Dyer; infact in one of his books that I read much later when I had kids of my own, he candidly admits to the failure of some theories of raising children.

He says, quoting someone else, "I once had 7 different theories for raising successful children when I had no children, now I have 7 children and no theories" hahaha!  I could relate to that very well.

My sister's friend was clearing out his library as they were moving to another city and she brought home a few books. Among them was Thomas Harris : "I'm OK , You're OK".  A book on transactional analysis, made a very interesting reading. We each have a Parent, Adult & Child that transacts with each other and problems arise when the transactions get crossed. 

Then there was Dale Carnegie's " How to make friends and Influence people" and "How to stop worrying and Start living"..

These books were interesting, however I am not sure if my habits or for that matter I, really changed after reading them. They were undoubtedly good to read, so I read them.

It was my lecturer in Psychology who first mentioned Richard Bach's Illusions to me. 

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they are yours" she said one day, quoting from the book. I wanted to read the book, and it wasn't until  I got married, moved to Mumbai that I was thrilled to see it with my husband's collection of books. I devoured every page of that book, read and re-read multiple times.. quoted from it  backward and forward..well almost. I find the Messiah's quotes uplifting even today. The only other book that is similar to this is, "The Book of Mirdad" by Mikhail Naimly. I would need a separate blog to talk about Mirdad though.

After "Illusions", I was high on Bach: "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull", "The Bridge Across Forever" and "One". "Bridge Across.. was his meeting his soulmate Leslie Parish and it seemed like the most ideal relationship. And interestingly we read it (Raja, my husband & I) almost together and were quite excited with the book. It made us feel that we were soul mates too. :). Recent googling of Bach, held the news that he and Leslie parted ways and he remarried the third time. While Raja & I have not parted ways, it is quite interesting to note that a relationship this close can be subject to many challenges and the way you view or experience it can be different.

Raja brought home a good many interesting books from the L& T library (L & T was his place of work). One great book was Will Schutz's "Profound Simplicity"

Will Schutz was the pioneer of FIRO -B. Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation. 

Interpersonal relations is measured across 3 factors: Inclusion , Control & Affection , measured in 2 dimensions each : felt (wanted) & expressed. His theory, I learned much later, but Profound Simplicity for the first time urged me to behave and live responsibly, especially in the area of personal health. The key message I took away from the book and which played a significant role in my life was... become aware of your psychological needs. The more aware you are of them the less likely you are to suffer illnesses. He traces major illnesses of people to their general emotional needs and how the illness is an expression of the psychological need.

Powerful book ...to me, life changing.

To continue...

Books and the stories behind them Part 2

Memories of the time spent in British Council Library are numerous. It was close to my dad's workplace. It was his after -retirement  workplace and he would insist that I match my visits there (to BCL) to his office timings so that he could pick me up or drop me there on his scooter. My protests would go unheeded and I sometimes missed going to BCL with my friends as a result of this. But that's a different story reserved for another blog.

Coming back to the books I borrowed and read from BCL Winston Graham comes to mind. Recently when I googled him, I found that he is better known for his Poldark series, but it was his other novels that I avidly read.

Marnie, After the Act, The Sleeping Partner, Cordelia and more... the titles are hazy. My friends at that time were into Mills & Boon and one of them thought I had no idea of what romantic stories was about. Till one day she took a Graham novel to read from me and came back totally flabbergasted. She said she was shocked at the storyline and more surprised that a serious person like me who read only classics would read such literature.

While she could do that, M & B were strictly forbidden at home. They were considered sleaze. I was so curious about them that a friend in school gave me one to read reassuring me that there were "good" ones too. She was a topper in class and I was convinced. But yet had to hide the book from my parents & read. Soon I gave up, reading something in fear of being caught was just not worth it. I could hardly get past a few pages.

I wept reading some books... the one I clearly remember was A J Cronin's " The Spanish Gardener" . It was a sad tale of an over strict father getting his son to a psychiatrist because the boy formed a special bond of friendship with a Spanish Gardener who worked for them. At some point of the book I remember putting it down and having a good cry.

Around this time due to the untimely, sudden death of my sister, I was drawn to books that could offer  solace and meaning to the grief I was experiencing. I read a lot of poems of Shelley and even read about his life in detail. Hesse's Narcissus and Goldmund was another memorable one. It briefly introduced me to the teachings of the Buddha & meditation practices. Curious about meditation I read J Krishnamurthi with great interest, thoroughly intrigued with the occult practices in  the Theosophical Society. I remember poring over Krishnamurthi's Notebook that I found at BCL

Krishnamurthi was not exactly welcome at home with my parents, strange it was , as they would permit my sisters to read him.

I remember having serious intense discussions with a friend at that time on whether Hesse was or had inclinations towards homosexuality. According to her, his writings clearly gave that impression - that he was inclined towards it but suppressed it. And a man who was so suppressed had nothing much to offer. She also introduced me to William Golding's Lord of the flies.  I struggled to read it, unable to accept that little kids could turn so violent and become cannibals. 

One book that stands out towards the end of my teens is "Dibs: In search of Self" by Virginia Axline. It was heavy reading.. A true life tale of a boy labelled autistic & retarded, who through the process of play therapy is able to work out his emotional relations with his parents and find his authentic self. He goes on to have an  IQ of 168 (genius) at the end of the therapy sessions with Axline.

That book left a remarkable impression on me and till today it is a must- read for all my students in Psychology classes that I teach. It was also a book that helped me decide what course of study I would pursue for my Masters  degree. 

To continue..

Books and the stories behind them (Part 1)

I can't really remember when I started reading books or whether I particularly loved reading them. We had an hour each week for library in school and it was there that I started reading books by Enid Blyton. I loved them and looked forward to that time each week. 

My scholarly, erudite sisters read a great deal of classics such as Thomas Hardy, Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte and ofcourse we had the Complete Works of Shakespeare. There was Oliver Goldsmith too...how can I forget "The Vicar of Wakefield" that I valiantly tried read or was forced to read. These books didn't particularly rouse my reading interest the way books by Enid Blyton did, but they were the kind of books good children from good families were supposed to read. My dad would eloquently talk of the richness of Goldsmith's writing and would read to me Shakespeare plays as well.

What caught my interest though, was my sister's penchant to act out a few lines from various plays of Shakespeare. The long, boring summer holidays were interspersed with learning some very interesting speeches by heart and reciting them like a theater artist would. I remember them fondly to this day and on occasions entertain my family with them. 

My memory goes back to 6th grade, when during the summer holidays my sister introduced me to Charles Dickens "A tale of two cities" It was difficult reading but interesting in parts. I learned about the French revolution, the guillotine (still sends a shiver down my spine to think people were executed in that gruesome way), Madame Defarge & her knitting, and unforgettable Sidney Carton. Sidney Carton has a special place in my memory as I answered a quiz question on him soon after school reopened. More than getting the answer right & scoring a point, I still remember the look of bewilderment & disbelief in my classmates face that I, a back bencher and no gooder in studies got the answer right. 

Then came the days of the British Council Library that opened its branch in Hyderabad. The rich collection of books I was introduced to there!! Somerset Maugham entered my life for sometime.. Moon & Sixpence, Razor's Edge, Of Human Bondage, Mrs Craddock.

Then it was George Orwell and I remember being impressed with his  "Keep the Aspidistra flying" more than all the other books he is well known for.

Looking back I wonder if I remember the stories in these books. I remember I read them though. But not sure of their contents. Some stand out by the richness of their content. Keep the Aspidistra flying shook me up, made me think & contemplate on how important money was. But memories of some other books fade or have become blurred.

(To be continued)

 

The girl I knew in School

It was probably 1975. I was in 8th grade in high school. There was an exam coming up on Monday and I was clueless. I didn't know what was going to be tested or what I had to study. My sister, Jaishri asks me to contact classmates who might know but I don't have their contacts. Exasperated, she asks me to name atleast one topper in the class. I say Vanita Luthra, her parents were doctors. With this information, Jaishri took me to the neighbours house to get this girl's number from the phone directory, to contact her.

Jaishri was my gaurdian, being much older than me. She stepped into this role after my elder sister Malathy got married & left home in 1974. I had a huge problem of myopia and no glasses.. but that is a different long story. The point is I was clueless about the exam, and it had to be fixed. We did not have a phone, and our neighbours' was one of the few families in the neighbourhood that had one.

We got the number, dialed, and Jaishri asked me to speak to Vanita. But I was terrified. I had a poor opinion of myself, timid, scared of everything especially related to people & school. Aggravated with poor eyesight, life then was a big blur. So Jaishri ended up speaking to Vanita. Vanita was most helpful. Not only did she give a comprehensive idea of the exam, she even dictated her personal notes she made from her referencing in the school library. The girl was truly on top of everything. She knew it. And so willing to share. Amazing!

Jaishri gave me that glare... Look at you!!! And look at this amazing girl!!

I don't remember how I fared in the exam, but I remember Vanita telling me she enjoyed speaking to my sister. She asked if I needed more help.. and to ask her if I did. I didn't have to press for my sister's assistance she said.

I rarely initiated conversation with her or anybody for that matter in school. I was overcome with confusion and fear and could rarely make sense of what was going on.

There were flashes of brilliance though. Like when I scored 9/10 in a topic of Simple Pendulum when Vanita scored only 5. I remember she wanted to know where she lost marks and asked the teacher  how marks were allocated and graded.  How did she know all this? To monitor her performance? To care about tests and exams? 

Vanita was sweet & kind to me. We went our separate ways after school and I heard she joined Thangam Phillip institute of cookery & hospitality in Mumbai. I was surprised at her career choice.. but never got in touch with her again.

Till a chance google search on people who influenced me, I came across this horrific article that said she jumped off the 23rd floor of a building in Versova, Mumbai in December 2018. It said she had a jewelry business going. I am shocked and distressed.

I regret not reaching out to her in these years past. Just to tell her how much her kindness, support, generosity & exuberance touched me. Perhaps the only true connection in the general blur of high school. How aweinspiring she had been, how I wished to emulate her in school! Would it have made a difference to her decision?

A day at home March 28th 2020

These are the days of pandemic ..the much heard & talked about Corona virus. Infact even when its silent everywhere and I am not with my handphone, my mind keeps chattering "corona virus, corona virus.." I wonder if there is anything else apart from this in this world. 

Well we need to go about the business of our daily lives, which has altered quite a bit. I have to get my course materials ready to be delivered online and therefore have to become more techsavvy. So there is plenty to learn each day.

Then the house has become more populated with family members getting in the way of each other. I need to schedule my class to be delivered from home, while Raja has to attend office work from home. Akanksha flits and floats in between worried about her article thats overdue. Earlier this morning was an avoidable altercation with Pavithra on coffee making amidst a sudden scare at the sight of an ambulance & police car in the opposite building.

My venous insufficiency (caused due to varicose veins) flared up in the midst of this disturbance to routine. Observe your mind state, advises my meditation guru. Yes, I have become a little more reactive than usual and maybe it is finding its outlet in dryness/oozing feet which feel like burning pin pricks now and then.

Raja offers to cook pulao for lunch and I look gratefully at him as I feel a spike of discomfort from my foot. He goes to the kitchen and asks .. Do you think I can do a round of laundry first? I say Ok . Minutes later he comes to show me the lint collected in the lint catcher of the machine. On another reactive day, I would have interepreted this as his criticism of my housekeeping skills..but not today. I just nodded my head in acknowledgement.

After a while he wanted cinnamon sticks.. so I went in to give it to him, then bay leaf. I had kept a couple of pieces in my easy to access masala box, so I told him where he could find it. But he was disappointed with the quantity. So I directed him to the fridge which had a full packet of them. Then he started a conversation of whether bay leaf had any aroma worth talking about.

Finally came the call for basmati rice! Where is it? The usual box in which it is kept was empty & he was now worried. Well there was enough in the box next to the usual basmati box but ofcourse, it required another trip to the kitchen by me to help him find it.

Meanwhile someone messages me about the all time high deaths in Italy. Well we all need to go sometime, somehow. I gaze at some of my artwork and recall the moments of joy they gave me as I was making them and as they do now adorning parts of my house.

This is why we need art. The patience we develop, the spaces of unhurriedness, the imperfections that teach you some lessons and the beauty that emanates, making life worthwhile. I settle down on my couch with my feet elevated to ease the discomfort to write my tale of today.

Back to Basics with Sabrina, vipassana teacher, a barefoot messiah

"Come, do the 30 day course at Dhamma Nagajjuna in April-May" she said with an air of finality that I found difficult to refuse. I have known Sabrina since my very first Vipassana Course in 1995, and she has been my inspiration on this path ever since.

I had registered for a 20 day course at Dhamma Thali, Jaipur in Jan-Feb 2019 and was wondering how I could do another long course so soon. Sabrina had a solution to that. Turn the Jaipur course into service (volunteering to help in the course) and attend the 30 day course.

So there I was in the extremely hot Hyderabad with temperatures soaring to 40-42 degrees Centigrade. The Dhamma hall is very intelligently built with no firm walls on the outside but rather a row of pillars covered on the outside with a mesh so as to prevent mosquitoes from entering the hall. Cross ventilation with a high ceiling ensured a good temperature in the hall even on a hottest day. Fans hanging from the ceiling were never used during the course. We meditated most of the day in the Pagoda cells and they were very hot as well--there are no fans in the cells and we meditate with the door closed.

I went to my teacher complaining about how hot it was and how much I was sweating and that it was difficult to stay still. She looked at me and smiled and said "Be happy that you are getting a steam bath for free" I don't go to steam baths I protested. She said it's good to sweat. Toxins get released from your body. Look at our lifestyles! We never allow the body to get rid of toxins the natural way and that's why we end up with so many illnesses.

When I signed up for the course I requested for a chowki (a low stool) as I wondered if I could sit cross legged on the floor due to my Chronic Venous Insufficiency. She again smiled allowed me for a day on the chowki and asked me to try sitting on the floor on the cushion cross legged, without my compression stockings. I was hesitant but she assured me that sitting cross legged would help in the circulation of blood in my legs. And finally this was the first course I meditated in the cell with the door shut.. bravely facing the fears that came up --the cells are small and dark and I never felt comfortable meditating there earlier times.

Another amazing thing she did was to walk barefoot in the mornings and evenings when it got relatively cooler. Earthing is important she said. Allow your feet to touch the earth and experience what it feels like.

There are no water coolers in the campus. Water is stored in mutkaas ( mud- earthen pots) that give us water at the right temperature to quench our thirst.

Sabrina is a one of a kind teacher--unusual and unique. Persuasive in a gentle way you know she has your welfare in mind. 

I progressed very well following most of her instructions---one major one was correcting my sitting posture--back straight and chin-up.

She urges one to follow a simple life that we have long forgotten and I even started sitting cross legged on the floor during breakfast and lunch.

The tough one was to walk barefoot--that still work in progress. :)

Amazing experience. So its back to basics  now.