What's in a name?

 My name is Radhi. Just two syllables. Easy to pronounce. Or so I think. A lot of people do not have a problem with it. But some do. And I am quite intrigued at their questions and unwillingness to call me by that name. Some even choose to rename me because of their non-acceptance of it.

Yes, my mother named me Radhika, she told me. However, my sister who is 12 years older than me was impressed with a name Radhi Sittampalam, a Sinhalese ex-student of the school she went to (and later I) and so I got the name Radhi. My parents did not mind it and when I was registered in school it was as Radhi Kannan, Kannan being my father's name.

So that was how I was called right through school. In Junior College I remember once a senior chided a boy for calling me Radhi, instead of what she thought was Radhika, and he was thus being "disrespectful" of me. I clarified that it was indeed Radhi. She looked puzzled but did not say anymore.

Then came undergraduate admissions and I remember the lady at the counter suddenly insisting I give my actual name and not a shortened version. I asserted it was my real name: Radhi Kannan. She looked over at her colleague and asked her if she had ever come across a name Radhi. The other lady shook her head  and said no, it is usually Radhika or Radha... not Radhi. However, as my school records did have it as Radhi, they couldn't do anything except be puzzled by it. So for fun, I simply thought up a reason: I told them that if it was Radhika followed by Kannan, there would be a "Ka" that was repeated. So, for brevity, it was Radhi. They were very pleased with that explanation and we all had a good laugh.

The next encounter was when I got married. While wedding cards were sent for printing, those that went forth for my in-laws, had Radhika on them and the ones that were printed by my parents had Radhi on them. In fact, my mother-in law initially called me Radhika, and later had no problems changing to Radhi after she realized that it was my name.

The strangest encounter was with a colleague I was working with. She would always call me Radhe. Initially I thought she hadn't got my name correct, so I explicitly told her it was Radhi and not Radhe. She said she knew, but she felt and thought that Radhi is not a name so she called me by the name that made sense to her. Isn't that weird? Can anyone randomly change someone's name like that? You are referring to a person right? A person with an identity, and a name that represents it? Well, our meetings were few, and I did not wish to make it an issue at that time.

I met an Indian Vipassana teacher at Kuantan, Malaysia. I was co-conducting a course with him. He told me that he was very puzzled when he was informed that "Radhi Raja" from Singapore would be the co-conducting teacher. He told me that no Indian can have a name "Radhi". Something is wrong here, he said, either she is not an Indian, or her name is not Radhi. The organizers have made a mistake. 

When I clarified my name was indeed, Radhi he refused to accept it. How can that be? You must have changed it. Radhi doesn't mean anything you see! 🙍

One interesting confusion I need to highlight is that a lot of Tamilians take my name to be Rathi. This is probably due to the spelling for both Radhi and Rathi in Tamil script  is the same. Probably the Sinhalese girl whom I was named after was also Rathi? 

But no, I would rather prefer to be called Radhika to Rathi. After all, Radhika was what my mother named me initially right?

But really coming to Shakesperes' famous quote: "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." It will be good if people just accepted a name the way the person owning it wishes to be addressed.

Swimming: A form of meditation

 It is strange, but I have started noticing how swimming is a form of meditation. Especially swimming the breaststroke, which can be done slowly & purposively.

The other day, I recalled something from the distant past and was full of resentment about a person, as walked to the pool. When I started swimming, something changed. As I felt the cool water all around me and my head went down and I started to glide I wondered how these thoughts take possession of me and upset me. It seemed like something just gripped my mind and was unwilling to let go. As I kept observing my thoughts and kept coming up for my breath and going down again, I realised that I can let go of these thoughts of the distant past that were so unpleasant. Does it really matter what the person did or said? Do I have to carry that resentment? Of what use or purpose did it serve? 

This is what I have experienced in meditation too. Many times thoughts would surface, unpleasant thoughts and I would be overcome by them, till I re focused on my breath--this moment, this breath, this sensation. And there is that calmness that slowly descends on me, returning me to the present moment. This is all that we have. This moment, this breath. 

Swimming is a kind of meditation for me. It helps me stay in the moment, focus on my breath, feel the sensations in the body as I move, pushing through the water. In the beginning, my only objective was to reach the other end of the pool. So I would furiously do my breaststroke with sole intention of quickly reaching the other side. 

So it was when I first started to meditate my one hour sitting. Hardly 10 minutes into the hour I would start wondering how long more should I sit here? When will the hour end? Gradually I realised  what it was to focus on my breath and pay attention to the sensations I experienced as I sat there. The hour eventually passed by. It took me  sometime to realise the importance of moment-to-moment awareness. This moment is all that we have and it is so important to keep our mind steadfast in the present. 

I am now doing the same with swimming, enjoying the moment to moment movement through the pool--- the pull, the bubbles, the kick and the glide and eventually I am bound to reach the other end. 

In fact, I have started noticing that even when I cook, I would keep thinking that I should finish it quickly and get on to the other things that I want to do. My eyes on the clock to quickly have this chore out of my way. As I started observing this, I started to let go to get to the other side of things. Instead, to become fully aware of the moment and do things more and more mindfully, meditatively. 

Surrender to the present moment. There is joy and satisfaction in doing so. For  as you truly live and experience each moment, more harmony and peace envelops you.

A late bloomer

That is me : A late bloomer. Recalling my early childhood days, the things I loved to do was play...I remember that one activity that I enjoyed. I think I was good in school till about 4th grade and then began a slow decline. Difficulties in getting good grades were exacerbated by a slow failing eyesight which my parents thought I was malingering. The poor performance in turn led to lack of motivation to even try. I gave up. I was stupid...why should I prove otherwise? 

When you are young, and parents and older sisters do most of the things for you, you can get away being irresponsible. I didn't even understand why I went to school or why I had to study. 

Some things that my mother told me stuck to me and proved to be a turning point in my academic pursuits.  She pleaded with me to do well in Junior College and later in my undergraduation and said she would no longer comment on my academic performance thereafter. I overheard her telling my dad that it would be a great achievement if I got past undergraduation. 

I trained to be a teacher after that and got really interested in Psychology. My parents were not happy about my interest in doing a Masters in Psychology and they thought I should get married instead. And then I went through this traditional arranged marriage but not before I found out from Raja (my then to-be husband) that he was ok about my continuing my studies.

Newly married,  life was different. We lived in Mumbai, I enrolled for Masters in Psychology at SNDT University Churchgate and I loved my life. I was really interested in academic activities, actively participated in all of them.  Pavithra was born, we moved to Hyderabad and I continued to do my MPhil (Pre-PhD course) against all odds--I was working, studying & was pregnant again. But I did it , and did it very well. Akanksha was born and I completed MPhil  successfully. 

We moved to Chennai and there I met my very inspiring Research Scientist and yoga practioner, who was later my guide for PhD. I completed that too, in between working & raising my children.

Then the move to Singapore. I continued to work as Adjunct Lecturer, first at Unisim (now SUSS) and then at University at Buffalo (Singapore campus) and I work there till this day.

It was Osho who once said: If you don't have breakfast you are going to be hungry at lunch and if you don't have lunch you will be ravenous at dinner. He was referring to childhood, adulthood and old age when he said that. 

I never paid attention to sports or sporting activities when I was a child or young adult. And now post 55yrs I have taken to badminton in right earnest. I train twice a week and enjoy the activity. I learned to swim recently and swim the breaststroke regularly. It has become my morning workout regimen. 

People who have known me in my younger days are surprised and I love that look of surprise on their faces. I sure have come a long way and feel its my inherent  zest  for life that I inherited from my mother that has stood me well . 

Enthusiasm & a zest for life makes life worth living.

The year that was 2020 and now this far.

Sometime in the beginning of 2020 we heard of a virus affecting people in China. When I heard of it, I was reminded of the SARS epidemic in  2002 and the stringent measures taken by the Singapore government to arrest its spread. I was confident we would be safe as we were then.

So sometime end of March 2020 when we were asked to plan our lectures to present them online to students, I felt it would be only a temporary one and we would soon be back to classroom instructions. Initially I struggled to teach Statistics online as I was not really prepared with the gadgets that may be required. I used my phone, laptop, social media, juggling between them to conduct my classes. 

Being a meditation instructor, I was asked to conduct meditation sessions online as well, though that was easier than conducting Statistics classes online. Then came the end semester break and as I was not teaching in summer I had a fairly long break of 4 months. I had planned to go for my 45 day Vipassana meditation course in June-July but that was cancelled due to the Covid pandemic. 

I am not sure if it was the years of practising meditation that I stayed calm and equanimous through all these unexpected change in plans. I did a 10 day self course at home and it was very energizing and successful. I cooked the meals and meditated according to schedule.

I love staying at home. I seldom get bored with being at home. I have number of interests. I draw, sketch, paint, crochet, do macrame, read, play scrabble online, do jigsaw puzzles online, upcycle waste boxes, decoupage ..the list is endless. How can anyone be bored at home is just beyond my comprehension.

This doesn't mean I don't like being out doors. I love to cycle and sometimes go for walks. I would travel a lot between semesters to Malaysia and India to either sit for meditation courses or conduct them. Home is where the heart is and these places I travelled to were places I enjoyed going to. 

The sports activities I picked up this last year were badminton which I started playing since October 2020 and swimming which I started in February 2021. I enjoy them both, particularly swimming which I initially thought I was too old to learn.

I look forward to each day to either play badminton or to swim, either practising on my own or being coached by the instructor. The other major learning experience was baking bread at home...gluten free, vegan bread. Healthy bread that I practised and mastered the art by following some recipes and then tweaking a little to suit my convenience & taste.

I do occasionally long to visit my sister in Mumbai who lives there alone. I wish we were together in one place or house. But not yet. India is going through its second wave of covid and it's sad to hear people suffering and normal life restricted. 

I don't know if I am just lucky. But I wonder at all these new words that are going around to describe our mental state ...languishing is one such I came across today. I don't think I am languishing. Yes, my life has changed, but I continue to do interesting things. I am with the flow. "Flow" that brilliant concept that Mihaly Csikszentmihaly introduced us to years ago, to be fully immersed in what you are doing such that nothing else really matters. It is a totally happy state to be in. 

Yes, there is always something you are not happy with , and right now it's the pandemic and not being able to visit my sister. But depressed ? No ..Languishing? No. 

Werner Erhard's quotes come to mind "What is, is; What isn't, isn't."

"Happiness is a function of acceptance of what is" 

A Sanskrit prayer for the well being of all in this world:

सर्वे भवन्तु सुखिनः

सर्वे सन्तु निरामया

सर्वे भद्राणि पश्यन्तु

मा कष्च्ति दुःखभाग्भवेत

ओं  शांतिः शांतिः शांतिः

"Mind as healer, Mind as Slayer": Replacing fear with curiosity

"Mind as healer, the mind as slayer": I have read this Kenneth Pelletier book, way back in 1998 when I was studying for my PhD program. This catchy title has always been with me in my memories whenever I deal with challenges. It just takes a little impatience to go off balance and panic in the face of impending danger, and in contrast, it takes just a little practice to remain observant, calm under stress and stay on top of it. 

In my Statistics classes, I urge students to close their eyes and be with their breath for a few minutes before they write their test. I tell them a calm mind helps to solve the most complex problems. A calm mind helps us in so many ways. I urge them to develop curiosity of numbers not fear. I share with them my own experience of learning something as new as swimming.

I never thought I would learn to swim. I thought if you did not learn it when young, you have lost your chance. And then I was diagnosed with Chronic Venous Insufficiency (CVI) and read that swimming was a good exercise to help the blood circulation. I got to know there were swimming classes in the pool in the condominium I live in. I was curious and joined the class. I asked my coach if a person of my age can learn swimming. In reply, he told me he once taught a 90 year old lady to swim. I definitely did not want to wait that long.

The coach began with doing a few stretches before we entered the pool. Then we entered the shallow part of the pool and spent a few minutes getting used to the water. The first major exercise was to learn to blow bubbles under water. I struggled to learn this. Initially, I would simply hold my breath under water. This served my immediate purpose, but of course it wasn't the most efficient one. It just took a lot of practice. A lot of practice. Plenty of practice. And finally I got it. I learned to breathe out under water. To blow bubbles in water. 

Having achieved this milestone, I could easily glide face-down underwater and move a certain distance, then I would stop, stand up for breath and resume again. I did this for quite a few days. My coach meanwhile introduced me little by little the next task, to learn to kick like a frog. She was going to teach me the breaststroke. She taught me in a number of ways how to kick. It was fine when she was there, but I could not do it on my own. So I started watching youtube videos. There are plenty of instruction videos on learning the breaststroke. These helped me so much as I could picture the strokes in my mind and that helped translate into actual kicking.

The coaches were very good and taught me a few ways to relax in the pool by floating. I would keep my head on the edge of the pool and look up at the sky. This was one of the most relaxing exercises in the pool. It helped get used to the water, to trust it. To learn not to panic. The coach also taught me to bring my knees together and lift myself up for breath anytime I felt unsure of myself. This was extremely helpful.

Learning to kick, and then learning to pull with the arms were the next part of the coaching. Finally the sequence of pull, breathe, kick & glide for many lessons helped me improve my muscle memory. There were moments, when I forgot, swallowed water, forgot to breathe or let the water into my nose.

 

But then you start again and practise till you get it. The euphoria you feel at the end is certainly worth the effort. It took me exactly 2 months to swim independently. And it is only the beginning; there are a few other strokes I plan to learn. Replacing fear with curiosity has helped me go far in learning new skills.

Swimology: My swimming journey

 My respected meditation teacher Goenkaji tells us a story, "Swimology", during the 10 day Vipassana course. The story goes like this: There was once a very learned, erudite Professor who was travelling by sea. Learned as he was, every evening he lectured to his co-voyagers extensively on many of the curious things of life, demonstrating his wide, in-depth knowledge and expertise. An old sailor who worked on the ship was very impressed with the Professor and would attend his daily lectures regularly. One evening the Professor chanced upon him as he was leaving, and called out to him asking if he knows anything about Geology? The old man replied in the negative, nervously. The Professor said, "What? You know nothing about the earth you live on? Old man, you have wasted a quarter of your life!" The old man shook his head sadly and left. 

The next day, after the lecture, as the old man was cleaning up the place, the Professor called out to him and asked: "Old man, do you know anything about Meteorology? " Again the old man sadly shook his head, and asked "What is that sir?" The Professor replied, "Oh it is the science of the weather. Old man, you do not know anything about Geology, the science of the earth you live on; you do not know anything about the weather your ship is subjected to, you have wasted half of your life." The old man was indeed sad: the learned Professor says he has lost half his life, it must be true, what has he done that is worthwhile?

The third day dawned, and again after an enlightening lecture, the Professor called the old man and asked: "Old man, do you know anything about Oceanology, the science of the oceans?" The old man again replied, "No sir, I do not know anything, I never went to school at all!" Surprised, the Professor told him with a laugh: "You useless old man, you do not know anything about Geology, the earth you live on, you do not know Meteorology, the science of the weather you are subjected to, you do not know anything about  Oceanology, the science of the sea you are travelling on, you have lost three quarters of your life!" The old man left sadly.

The next day, the old man came running to the Professor and asked, "Professor sir! Professor sir! Do you know Swimology, sir?" Surprised, the Professor asked "Swimology? What is that? I have never heard of it!" The old man exclaimed: "Oh no sir! Then your whole life is wasted. The ship has just hit a rock and is sinking; those who can swim, can reach the shore, I am so sorry sir, your life is wasted!"

We may learn all the "logies" of the world, but if we do not know to swim the ocean of life, our lives are truly wasted. 

I love this story,  for its deep philosophical meaning and the more I listened to it course after course, I pondered over the idea of learning to swim. I thought I could never learn it. I hadn't come across any adult learning to swim and mastering it.

With age, I developed age-related medical issues and suffered from Chronic Venous Insufficiency.  This means that I had varicose veins which prevented the smooth return of the blood from the legs to the heart during circulation. I resumed anti-gravity yoga exercises, and came to know that swimming would be a good exercise for this condition. So when I heard there were swimming classes for adults in the place I live, I joined them with a great deal of hesitation & fear. 

Barely had I gotten over my initial fear of water when I developed severe ulcers on my feet, forcing me to abandon my grand plans to learn swimming. It took me two years to recover, more yoga and a long 30 day course in meditation and I was now again ready to resume my classes. 

So it was on the 9th of February 2021, with some hesitation and mild fears again, I resumed my swimming lessons. I practised diligently. My first milestone was being able to put my head in water and blow bubbles--basically breathing out in water. That helped me glide smoothly for a certain distance. Besides learning from the coach once a week, I would go to the pool on my own on other days just to practice what I knew to do, getting a feel of the water and becoming comfortable in it. Resting my head on the edge of the pool, face upward towards the sky and floating was the most relaxing activity I would do.

Then came learning the breaststroke. After being introduced to it I watched countless videos on youtube to reinforce my learning on how to best time myself, how to kick, how to synchronize the pull-bubbles-kick-glide routine. The videos helped in developing my muscle memory. The coaches were excellent. And finally, today, the 13th of April, two months after my first class, I could swim without the tube, board or any kind of support from one end of the pool to the other.

An incredible achievement for me! 

Swimology at last!

Reflections

"the version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility"

This quote has been doing the rounds on the internet & social media, with many people endorsing it, liking it & sharing, retweeting it  countless times. I did so too, as it rang an instant bell in my head and made me exclaim "how true!". 

Just a few days ago before I came across this quote, I went through an unpleasant situation at home when my husband and daughter said they were afraid to say anything to me as I tended to react with anger and hostility. I was distressed, and as I took time to understand this "feedback" from them I recognized that I was similarly evaluating others and felt I was correct in doing so.

So many times we make a quick evaluation of people we meet : He is very hyper, she is too sensitive, he is too impulsive etc. 

We think we "know" people. But do we? 

For that matter, do we know ourselves at all? Actually the only person we have lived with all our lives is ourself. Yet, do we really know ourselves truly? I might think "I am a calm person" but that is true only till I lose my cool when provoked.

We seemed to have an image of ourselves, and of others and we are constantly reacting to these images. This is brought out so well in an interesting illustration by Shri S.N Goenka in the 10day Vipassana course in his  Day 9 discourse

We meet a person and like him very much. It's because in our perception (which is an evaluation of what we experience) he is very good, wonderful , helpful and makes us happy. We meet him after a gap of few years and that image of his good persona comes to mind. If he acts different from our image of him, we become so unhappy , unable to comprehend what went wrong in our impression of him. 

Similarly we keep forming images of everyone around us including our own selves and keep reacting to these images based on our evaluations. If we just pause and think that it's only our perception that helped build that image, we would come closer to the reality that each of us change and grow every minute. The so called "obnoxious" person was so only because of our perception of him, he may have a good side to him, and just because we did not see that good side does not mean it does not exist.

We all have different facets to ourselves, some visible and some hidden and it would help us a lot if we did not make harsh assumptions and evaluations of others, as these are based only on our limited experience of the individuals we come across. The truth of what the person really is, would be much more than what we are aware of.

To the person who is at the receiving end of the evaluation, like me at the start of this blog, it would be good to pause and get in touch with our inner self and not get distressed  but look at the evaluation more  objectively.  Develop our equanimity and continue our practice daily.