Why I sit....

Part II (Reasons)

Before going on to my experiences of the second course I took, I pause to reflect on what got me on to this path in the first place...why did I have this compelling need to do this course? I have often been asked this question.

When I look back....it probably began sometime after my sister died in a fire accident at home. The saddest days of my life..beginning 16th of August 1980. I was about 17 years old and she 25. We were chatting on the terrace in our home in Secunderabad, India, when suddenly she said she could smell gas (cooking gas). She said she will go down to the kitchen to check and as she was going, she turned around and asked me to come too. My parents were sitting on the other side of the terrace and asked me why we were going down. I told them that Jaishri suspected a gas leak, and I hurried behind her. As she opened the kitchen door, we saw to our horror the gas tube had come out of the stove and the room was stinking with gas. She quickly went over and closed the gas cylinder, while asking me to open the windows to let the gas escape.

How did it not occur to us that there was a lamp burning right there in the altar at one corner of the room? So many times I have tormented myself over this question. Why did I listen to her suggestion to open the windows before putting out the burning lamp? Why didn't I think that if I opened the window, the fresh air would cause the flame to be ignited and there would be an explosion of fire? How many times have I replayed this in my mind, wishing I had acted differently, wishing I had prevented the accident, wishing she hadn't suffered burns, death..

She died on 19th August 1980 a day after her birthday. She lived exactly 25 years. A life snuffed out so suddenly so tragically and right there in front of me..

That huge loss, painful blow, forced me to wonder why we are born, why we die, the transiency of life, the suffering therein. There were no answers... The guilt, the shame, the torture that I went through were unimaginable. I tried reading a number of books to find answers, from J Krishnamurthy, to religious texts, to listening to discourses by Swami Chinmayananda, Psychology, Philosophy, whatever I could. I am not sure if they helped, but what stood out was one story in the life of The Buddha. The story of Kisa Gotami.

This lady had lost her young son and was so overcome with grief that she wouldn't allow him to be cremated, insisting that he was only sleeping. When people saw her plight, someone suggested that she go to The Buddha and maybe he could revive the child. She went to him eagerly, carrying the child and told her story. The Buddha asked her to get a spoonful of mustard seeds and he would revive the child. However, he said he wanted her to get it from a household where no death has ever occurred. On the face of it, it was a simple task and the lady happily hurried away. After going round her village she could easily get mustard seeds, but the second requirement--that it should be from a house where no one has died could not be met. She finally was able to awaken to the reality of the situation--that her child had died and nothing could bring him back to life.

She went on to become a disciple of The Buddha and is said to have become fully enlightened.

This story provided some kind of solace to me and along with it a curiosity about meditation...what was this practice about? It seems to have provided answers to so many people, made them peaceful and enlightened--maybe it could give me answers to my questions too?

However, it was only about 10 years later, a marriage and two children, that I finally got to do a course in meditation. Those 10 years had a mixture of highs and lows, stresses and tensions which only strengthened my resolve to attend a course.

Why I sit....(with apologies to Paul Fleischman, who wrote an essay with this title)

Part I (How it all started)

It's been 15 years of practice of Vipassana meditation as taught by Goenkaji. I have been taking a course almost every year or every other year. With every course there has been a significant gain, valuable insights and a gradual change in me as a person. In these posts I wish to record some of my experiences in each of the courses that I took. In this particular post I write about my very first course.

I clearly remember the day when I set out for my first 10 day course in Hyderabad. It was the 6th of October,1995. I was a lecturer in Psychology in St. Ann's College, Mehdipatnam, Hyderabad and we had a one week break for Dashera. This, I thought was the best time to do the course as I would only have to take 2 additional days of leave, the course ended on 16th of October. My children were 8years and 3years and I planned to leave them with my parents who were taking care of them when I went to work.

However, it wasn't as simple as I thought. My parents were horrified. Why would I want to leave my young family and go for a course in meditation? I was very determined--there was such a compelling pull towards attending the course. But it was painful to go against the wishes of my parents. At the suggestion of my friend, Sudha, I contacted Sabrina, a senior meditator and she invited me to join her as she was leaving for the Vipassana center to help in the registration of new students for the course.

Meeting Sabrina was one of the most exhilarating experiences I have ever had. It was a joy to be in her company, and she allayed my fears, misgivings and doubts about attending the course--with simple straightforward answers to my questions. The most significant thing that she shared with me on that memorable drive to the Vipassana center was: " Whatever arises, is bound to pass away" and " When you have set out to do something good, nothing bad will ever come out of it". She had ( and still has) a presence in which I felt comforted.

Later that evening at the center she gave a group of us a preview of what we were to experience in the 10 day course---and I was and still am so grateful for that. She explained the 3 major steps --sila, samadhi and panya and gave us a heads up on important milestones we were to experience in the 10 days. Not only did I feel reassured by her explanations, I was quite sure that this was the path I was looking for.

The first course was difficult and I struggled through it. The first difficulty was maintaining silence--physical silence was not too difficult but silencing the mind was. In addition, we were asked not to maintain eye contact with anyone and walk with eyes downcast. However, I had come with the firm conviction that this was the path I really wanted to follow, braved all the displeasure of my parents, I had to make it good!

Somewhere on the 7th or 8th day I started wondering whether life had to be take so seriously? Till then I went about living life in the way I best understood, not really mindful of my actions, emotions or interactions with people. The daily routines of the meditation course--early morning rise at 4 am, meditating for about 10 hours a day--forced me to confront my life. I wasn't mindful before--but now I was given the opportunity to experience for myself what living mindfully, could result in. More over, I was forced to experience suffering and look at it as it was! Not escaping from it, not avoiding it but for the first time observing it objectively, dispassionately and probably with equanimity. Of course, I wasn't always successful, but traces of this (objectivity/equanimity)started penetrating my consciousness.

I hadn't yet grasped it fully but the possibility of getting different results from life was dawning on me. And it was precisely because I was unhappy with my experience of life thus far that I joined the course in the first place!

The few moments when I could clearly understand and follow the instructions, the few moments I could stay with my breath with undivided attention, the few moments that I could observe my sensations with equanimity, resulted in so many insights, so much of peace and tranquility and above all a joy of realizing that there is another way of living my life which held a promise of greater happiness and satisfaction.

The final day, Day 10, was Metta Day and it was a wonderful way of bringing a closure to what I had gone through the previous 9 days. These 9 days made me realize the suffering I was carrying with me so far was the reason for my rudeness and anger towards some people in my life. I learned now how to deal with this internal suffering and transform it and to the extent I was successful in doing it, I was freed from those toxic negative feelings and emotions that would earlier engulf me and almost consume me.

With this awareness (whatever, little it was in that first course) I could radiate happiness, peace and harmony towards all beings.

(I will be continuing on this theme, and discuss my progress in each of the subsequent courses that I took.)

My paintings

Book Review: Published in Asia Pacific Journal of Education (APJE) (Routledge) 2008

Handbook of inclusive education for educators, administrators, and planners: within walls,
without boundaries, edited by M. Puri and G. Abraham, New Delhi, Sage Publications, 2004,
309 pp., GB£15.99 (paperback), ISBN 978-0-7619-3266-6

Visually impaired from early childhood, studied in an inclusive set up, graduated in Mathematics
from St. Stephen’s College, did post graduation from Delhi University, worked as an advertising
professional with two of the largest advertising agencies for over nine years, organized two World
Cups, was honored to run with the Olympic Torch at Atlanta and had the privilege of being a part of
the elite Discovery channel series called Discovery People – a reasonable success story, don’t you
think?
(Abraham, 2004, p. 97)

This is just one of the many success stories of people with some kind of impairment who have
had the good fortune of inclusive education.
Beginning with children’s right to education as laid out by the United Nations, the authors
explore the various initiatives taken by national and international organisations to meet the
educational objectives of disabled children in India. According to them, one of the main reasons
for the objectives not being met, particularly in the Indian context, is that education for disabled
children is treated as a welfare programme rather than a necessary part of their growth and
development as individuals.

Inclusive education is to bring children who are disabled or who experience learning
difficulties into the mainstream schools as early as possible. By doing this, it enables these
children to be more aware of the real world and thereby gives them more access to knowledge
and information. Excluding them and keeping them in prolonged association with other children
who share their impairment makes them unprepared to face the challenges in the real world after
they complete their schooling. However, the authors do acknowledge and discuss the challenges
that will have to be faced in order for inclusion to be successful.

The book is systematic in its presentation. The first part, Unit 1, focuses on what inclusive
education is, the laws and policies that are in place for the disabled, and the kinds of such
education available in India.

Unit 2 focuses on the different impairments and provides an excellent resource for those who
wish to work with these children. Experts in diverse areas such as hearing, vision, orthopaedic
and intellectual impairment, learning disability, cerebral palsy and autism spectrum disorder
have contributed useful chapters which provide detailed information on ways to help these
children. A valuable inclusion in the chapters on each impairment are fact sheets that give the
reader some general background of the disorder and a number of pointers on how these children
can be educated in school.

Along with the facts are interesting vignettes on the lives of some of these children who have
succeeded in such inclusive schools in spite of their impairment, and these truly gladden and
inspire the reader. One such example is a vignette of a 15-year-old boy, Pavan, studying in a
New Delhi school. He suffers from a genetic condition called Noonan’s Syndrome. It is a
common condition of those suffering from congenital heart abnormalities and affected persons
may have learning difficulties, apart from impaired physical and mental functioning. Pavan
narrates his experience in the school, the lessons he likes and those he dislikes, his anguish when
he is teased by his classmates but also his willingness to learn and do his best, come what may.
His father also shares his experiences of raising a special child and the challenges involved,
particularly when Pavan moves on to classes at a higher level. “When the going gets tough, the
tough get going” is the motto that inspires them and keeps them going.

Educating a child with special needs requires the active co-operation of special educators,
parents, the school and the child working as a team. How this was planned and carried out,
together with its difficulties and rewards, is skilfully presented in the case of a child suffering
from autism spectrum disorder in the chapter by Mythily Chari. These examples and case studies
serve as an excellent resource for people working with special children, who are constantly in
search of ways to reach out to these children.

In the chapter on children with orthopaedic impairments by Anjlee Agarwal, sketches of
rooms, doors, ramps, wash sinks and toilets are provided with detailed measurements so that
school building planners are able to design them suitably to meet the needs of these children.
Classroom accessibility and seating arrangements are other important aspects to be borne in
mind for children with this impairment and designed with care. The chapter is well thought out
and the author shows how all these can be achieved.

Many things can be done for children with special needs, but the greatest barrier to progress
is prejudice and ignorance, especially in rural schools. The author of the chapter on Schools in
Rural Areas, Indumathi Rao, provides guidelines for school administrators on how to deal with
these barriers and develop a curriculum with the involvement of the parents and the community.
Again, a case study of such an initiative in a village in Karnataka, a state in Southern India,
provides the reader with a practical approach to the challenges of inclusive education.
The last segment of the book discusses the role of special schools, issues for policy makers
and school administrators, and amendments that need to be made to the law and policy. This
wraps up the issues discussed in the book and, at the same time, alerts the reader to the path that
still lies ahead.

The editors have done a brilliant piece of work by providing a list of appendices, which
includes frequently asked questions and standard rules on the equalisation of opportunities for
persons with disabilities, among other useful ones. The book also gives us a glossary of
important terms and is well indexed. And in case you want to know who the contributors to the
various chapters are, their brief biographies appear at the end of the book. However, it would
have been a good idea to provide the contact addresses of these experts, as people working in the
field of special education may want to consult them. This is one minor shortcoming of an
otherwise excellent book.

Handbook of inclusive education for educators, administrators and planners: within walls,
without boundaries truly lives up to its title. Though it is focused mainly on the Indian context
and all the contributors are Indian, they have been successful in making readers aware of the
universality of inclusive education. This makes the book relevant to all cultures and societies.
For a long time, we have built our education systems on the premise that all students are the same
in terms of physical and mental capacities. This book urges us to recognise the differences in
students and appreciate their uniqueness so that we can build a society suitable for all human
beings, each one working on his or her strengths and achieving their maximum potential.

Radhi Raja
UniSIM, Singapore
radhiraja30@gmail.com
2008, Radhi Raja

The Scientific Voice of Meditation: A conference with a difference

Located in the lush green woods on the banks of Hudson River, 60 miles from New York is the Garrison Institute. It is here that the Mind and Life Summer Research Institute held its extraordinary meeting this year (June11-17). This annual conference brings together a number of well known scientists and Buddhist scholars engaged in contemplative practices to synergize and share their different perspectives to deepen our understanding of the human mind.

The Institute was established in the year 1987 after a series of informal meetings initiated by a well-known neuroscientist from Paris, Dr. Francisco Varela (1946-2001), who along with Mr. Adam Engle an American businessman met with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. His Holiness evinced keen interest in scientific research to unravel the secrets of the mind and strongly felt that Buddhist meditation practices can significantly contribute in enhancing our knowledge of the mind. Subsequent conferences have each led to the publication of a number of books which are listed at the end of this article.

Apart from these books there have been numerous scientific research articles, investigating the claims of meditation practitioners and establishing through scientific methodologies the veracity of these claims.

What really goes on at these conferences? How do people of the two traditions---the scientific and the contemplative traditions—interact with each other? How do scientific studies on meditation get initiated? I got an opportunity to find answers to these questions at the most recent Mind & Life Summer Research Institute held at Garrison, New York. The participants were Research Fellows and Special Investigators from various universities engaged in research in meditation.

It was indeed an honor to be in the midst of such well-known leading figures in the scientific world such as Dr. Richard Davidson, Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, Dr. David Meyer, Dr. Daniel Siegel to name just a few. Also present were Venerable Ringu Tulku Rinpoche, Tibetan Buddhist Master of the Kagyu Order, Venerable Sik Hin Hung, of the Mahayana tradition, from Hongkong and Venerable Barry Kerzin, Buddhist monk of Tibetan tradition. Besides providing spiritual inspiration, their openness to discuss their experiences in meditation and Buddhist philosophy enriched the discussions and lent directions to scientific research. Special mention should also be made of the person who led some of the meditation sessions, Sharon Salzberg, the author of many books on the subject, in particular, Loving Kindness and one of the founders of Insight Meditation Society at Massachusetts. Her warmth and glow exuded a certain presence at the conference, taking the practice of meditation to new levels of application.

The day typically began with one hour session of Yoga, followed by one hour of sitting meditation ending with a few minutes of walking meditation. These sessions were led by Dr. Kabat-Zinn who has authored several books on Mindfulness meditation as well as pioneering Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program for chronic pain patients at the University of Massachusetts. The rest of the day was interspersed with talks by scientists on their work with contemplative practices and presentations of research findings particularly of MRI and EEG studies on brain activity of meditators. Small group discussions paved the way for initiating studies in specific areas such us introducing meditation to children in schools, and using it as a clinical intervention in a variety of settings.

The last day of this unique meditation research retreat was fully devoted to meditation including the practice of Noble Silence. It was indeed awe-inspiring to watch people of such eminence leading simple lives, following the rules laid out for meditation with total surrender and acceptance. It brought on a feeling of oneness with humanity, all walking on the path of dhamma.

List of Books published as a result of discussions in Mind & Life Conferences:

1. Gentle Bridges: Conversations with the Dalai Lama on the Sciences of the Mind. Edited by Jeremy Hayward and Francisco Varela. Shambhala Publications
2. Consciousness at Crossroads: Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Brain Science and Buddhism. Edited by Zara Houshmand, Robert B. Livingstone and Allan Wallace. Snow-Lion Publications
3. Healing Emotions: Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions and Health. Edited by Daniel Goleman. Shambhala Publications
4. Sleeping, Dreaming and Dying: An exploration of Consciousness with the Dalai Lama. Edited by Francisco J. Varela. Wisdom Publication.
5. Visions of Compassion: Western Scientists and Tibetan Buddhists Examine Human Nature. Edited by Richard J. Davidson and Ann Harrington. Oxford University Press.
6. Destructive Emotions: A Scientific Dialogue with the Dalai Lama.
Daniel Goleman. Bantam Doubleday Dell


The author is a practitioner of Vipassana meditation as taught by Shri S.N. Goenka in the tradition of Sayaji U Ba Khin. She attended the conference as a Research Fellow as a result of her research work concerning teaching meditation to children in India, Singapore and Malaysia. She also works as a part-time Lecturer in Psychology in Uni-SIM, Singapore.

Published in "For You" a Buddhist magazine in Singapore

With Sharon Salzberg at the conference

Children's Meditation Course Workshop

April 4th to 8th, 2007 were memorable days for those taking part in the first Children Course Workshop organized by the Vipassana International Centre, Singapore. The workshop was conducted by Mrs. Sabrina Katakam, based in Hyderabad, India and recently appointed “Teacher” in the tradition as taught by Mr. S. N. Goenka. She effectively facilitated the activities which energized and inspired the participants apart from training them to become knowledgeable in the theoretical aspects of Dhamma.

The aim of the workshop was to acquaint existing Children Course Teachers (CCTs) with recent developments in the children’s meditation courses, particularly in India, and also familiarize the volunteers who serve in various capacities in these courses, with the proceedings. For the thirty participants (from both Singapore and Malaysia), there was never a dull moment as they had plenty of opportunity to discuss and clarify their doubts with a teacher who is articulate, approachable and who has the unique gift of explaining the Dhamma as applied to everyday life.

The day began with an hour of group meditation followed by rigorous exercises –a common feature especially in residential courses for children and teenagers. The first day of the workshop was spent in orienting participants to a brief history of children’s courses as well as its development and spread to different countries. The highlights of the day were a refresher on the Noble Eightfold Path in an interactive and interesting manner as well as completing a self assessment paper (on the theoretical aspects of meditation). The answers to the paper were discussed and completed so that everybody had the benefit of participation.

The following two days saw the participants’ role-playing as children and teenagers while the CCTs rehearsed conducting meditation sessions. Apart from being a fun-filled activity it also prepared the CCT to face a group of children and the questions that they might raise. Narration of stories as well as games was also carried out and there was a total sense of involvement and participation by all members. All days had three one hour group meditation sessions to calm, recharge and refocus one’s energies and the day ended with a metta session from the teacher. The workshop culminated with a Teenager’s course on the last day.

The course attended by nine girls and six boys 13 to 18years of age, was conducted by Sabrina herself who has years of dedicated service in children’s courses, to enable the workshop participants to get a first hand practical demonstration of the ways in which they could interact with teenagers. While instructions in a meditation course come from the Principal Teacher Goenkaji, the CCTs have the responsibility to conduct it on his behalf. Before and after each meditation session, the conducting teacher briefly interacts with the children, first orienting them to the session and at the end of it asking a few questions to make sure that they have understood the instructions. This both inspires the children and also keeps them involved in the proceedings of the sessions.

The course began with a discourse explaining the precepts (sila) and anapana meditation in a simple language at a level that the teenagers can relate to. This was followed by three meditation sessions each of about 45minutes duration interspersed with short breaks in which the teenagers engaged in non-competitive games. The final session was a discourse on the benefits of the practice and also suggestions on how this practice can be maintained. The discourse ended with ‘metta bahavana’ where the teenagers learn to spread the happiness and peace they have received to all people around them.

In these days of chaos, confusion and a plethora of dangerous avenues thrown open to young people, parents are constantly in search of providing an anchor for them which can help in keeping them safe and focused. The importance of meditation for youngsters can never be overstated. For this we need a trained group of adults to conduct and teach in meditation courses for young people.

It is in this context that a workshop such as this becomes very significant and pertinent as it helps participants understand the theory behind the practice and how to respond to issues raised by children during a meditation course.

For further details on courses for children (8yrs-12yrs) and teenagers (13yrs-16yrs) conducted by the Vipassana International Centre, Singapore look out for their newsletter or an announcement in this magazine or visit http://www.sg.dhamma.org/


Radhi Raja


Note: This article was written long back for a Buddhist magazine in Singapore but for various reasons was not published.

Sabrina conducting a group meditation in Singapore.

Sabrina conducting the workshop in Singapore

A Relationship We Treasure

I first saw her walk into the classroom with long confident strides. Tall, slim and dusky, she looked like a girl with a sense of purpose. Bright active eyes with a hint of a puzzle and an easy friendly smile, to reveal a perfect set of teeth.

As I watched her, I told myself, this is the girl I’d like to befriend. And I did. We were in the same class, doing our Masters in Clinical Psychology.

She was your classmate and you became friends—what’s so unusual about that? you may think. But it was different, and it is still so.

Our first interaction was while taking down the syllabus for our course. And then we found ourselves going to the same hospital for our practicum. We shared our day-to-day problems----the recent death of my sister, which I was coming to terms with, my newly-marriedness and its associated adjustment difficulties. She was juggling around with journalism assignments, music classes and deciding on whom to marry. She surprised me with her vast and varied range of interests--she was game for anything.

Since I was new to Mumbai those days, she took it upon herself to educate me about the city. She didn’t have to do much—just watching her go about her different schedules taught me a lot. Always to stand up for herself and others, she’d assert herself without being aggressive and invariably with a touch of humour.

I clearly remember the day when she took the havaldar on duty to task at Chembur station. We were on the local train and there were a group of vendors squatting at the entrance with their wares, making it difficult for us to get off the train. She requested them not to block the entrance and explained our difficulty---only to be rebuked and teased in return. They turned really nasty as the train reached Chembur station, and to our luck there was a havaldar at the station, who was preparing himself for a short nap on the bench nearby. She requested him for help to deal with those nasty women, only to be met with a cold stare ---and a “why do you want to disturb my siesta”—look from him. Something snapped within her that moment and she marched off straight to the Station Master. When the erring havaldar was called, she told him that if he wanted to sleep, he could take off his uniform and go home and sleep comfortably!

That was so much like Vasudha! (that’s her name). She had this uncanny knack of mimicking people and have us rolling with peals of laughter.

The nature of our subject was such that we had to interview persons who came to the psychiatric wing of the hospital, administer psychological tests and assist the psychiatrist in the diagnosis. As we saw individuals not much different from us, going through the trauma of mental illness or near mental illness; as we saw the pain families went through when someone close to them suffered so, we felt so humbled. People go through so much and still manage to live, and even smile sometimes!---such a thin line between sanity and insanity. It brought to the fore many existential questions----the meaning/purpose of life. What exactly is deviant behaviour? Why when two individuals face the same difficult situation, one breaks down and the other manages better?
And all this would figure in the long discussions we had with each other. We could think our thoughts aloud to one another. They were enriching, insightful discussions. And it also helped us de-stress.

Looking back, those two years were glorious years when we learned so much about each other and about life in general. Then, we each had to go our own way-----she got married and moved to Saudi Arabia and I to Hyderabad where my husband got a new job. We kept in touch briefly after that, and as the pressures of our other commitments gained more importance with time, we lost all contact with each other.

Until I chanced upon an article about her in a magazine. The picture that accompanied the article took me time to recall—yet it was unmistakably Vasudha. She had a doctorate from an American University now, and had set up a place in Chennai for children with learning disabilities. I lost no time in writing to the magazine for her address and re-establishing my contact with her.

And then I went to meet her (I had moved out of India and live in Singapore now). Although it was 15years since we met, it seemed as if it was only yesterday. We seemed to just take off from where we had left. All those years did not alter what we felt for each other. Not that there weren’t any changes at all. We had grown and matured, had good careers, had adolescent children. But yet, we found it a joy to be with each other, were so comfortable with each other, and extremely glad to have re-established our relationship.

We are both in the same profession, almost the same age. She has started off on her own venture, while I have taken a break from my career. Were there traces of jealousy, envy, comparisons of our relative achievements? Absolutely none. There were no walls built by either, so none to break!!

A relationship we treasure.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was written in August 2002. V-excel Education Trust which Vasudha started is doing a fantastic job of helping so many children -and their parents--see some light in their otherwise difficult lives.
I am now working on a meditation project in Singapore and also teach Psychology at the local Open University.