Letting go...

I have difficulty in dealing with people who try to control my life. Who ask me to do certain things which I am not willing to do. My initial response to these requests (which I interpret as "orders") is a form of psychological reactance---I will do opposite of what is asked of me or defiantly refuse to comply. Being an Indian and raised in a conservative brahmin family, I am expected to be an obedient daughter, daughter-in-law, wife ....but I have resisted all forms of control. Fortunately for me, my husband pretty much lets me do whatever I am interested in, and has supported my pursuance of meditation--which includes long absences from home. However, I have not been comfortable with requests from my mother, and resist what I see as attempts to control my life.

My practice of meditation helps me resolve this kind of situation as well. Initially, so enamored I was with Vipassana meditation, that I totally refused to perform rituals of prayer and puja or visit temples. If I did so, I would do it with reluctance. Now, having a much better understanding of the practice as well as the traditions and rituals I was raised in, the conflict is minimized greatly.My teachers in meditation always enquired about my family and advised that I never quarrel or neglect family responsibilities in my pursuance of the path. Addressing the conflicts that sometimes seem to arise in visiting temples and the meditation practice which is devoid of rituals, the teacher in my last 30 day course in Jaipur said---Radhi, when you can give metta to all beings in this universe, small and big, visible and invisible, why can't you share that metta with with gods and goddesses in temples and the invisible beings there? That resonated very well with my thoughts as well, and erased the few traces of reluctance I might have had in visiting temples.

However, two days ago when my mother called and asked me to visit the temple on a particular day along with my entire family, my old self popped up its resistance to orders and control. Being the good, polite daughter that I was, I gave a non-committal answer. I struggled with the request for about an hour or so, and then suddenly stopped--I realised how attached I was to my ideas, my views, my opinions. I realised that I had no problems going to a temple, my resistance was what I perceieved to be my mother's attempt at control--telling me what I should do on a particular day. I decided to let go of that perception. I decided to get dis-engaged with my interpretations, my thoughts and my opinions. Ah! what freedom there is when one is willing to let go! I happily went to the temple with Raja and Pavithra and covered a few more errands before returning home.

While the above incident required some deliberate effort in order to put in practice my new awakening, in some other instances, it is relatively smooth and effortless. As when I causally ran into an ex-colleague at my university and she looked away when I greeted her. For a fraction of second, I felt insulted and my mind was about to start interpreting the incident in negative ways and I effortlessly changed it with thoughts of compassion. Maybe she has some problem? why would she ignore me otherwise? May she come out of her difficulties....The next day I happened to meet her again at a common friend's Christmas party and while she looked a trifle sheepish, I could respond with the same warmth and care as I always had in previous occasions. Liberation! liberation from the bondages of emotions and attachment.

I could see the gains of my last course at Jaipur being sustained in my life outside of the course.

Reflections

It was a tutorial on Regression (Statistics). After working a number of problems with the students, I was instructing them the steps to find the Regression Line on SPSS. There are very few students in the tutorial class, so I walked to this quiet girl to see how she was progressing with her work. I guided her and then asked her to write the equation for the Regression line. As she hesitated, I told her the equation---Y(hat) = bX + a
Her fingers opened and closed, and she tried to put her pencil on paper, but couldn't write Y...and when she did after a few trials, she couldn't get the 'hat' correctly on Y. I gently asked her to do it but was very surprised that she couldn't write more than that. Only then it dawned on me that she was feeling overwhelmed with my presence next to her. Her anxiety was so much that she couldn't write this simple equation.

I moved away, but was quite taken aback by her behavior. And yet it was somewhat familiar......many years ago I was such a student...scared of the teacher in school, afraid to make mistakes, afraid of looking stupid, with a background of comments such as "Can't you do such a simple thing?" " you are so slow" "how long you take to grasp such a simple thing!" whirring in my head.

Its been a long journey for me since those days of ignorance and fear. To some extent life's experiences teach one to become confident and competent, knocking off some of the fear & anxiety. However, a slow and steady transformation came about ever since I attended courses in Vipassana meditation and started practicing regularly. People who knew me in my teens and twenties are amazed at the changed person I have become.

Focusing on the breath coming in and going out of the nostrils helps to concentrate the mind. And this concentration brings about a sense of confidence in the person, for concentration helps one to be focused when engaged in a task and thus working far more efficiently than an unfocused person. This greater efficiency in carrying out tasks increases the person's confidence. This is one of the many benefits of meditation.Staying on task, noticing when the mind has strayed by distractions, gently getting it back on task--this sounds so simple but can become a challenge for people who are unused to meditation. Like the girl in my class. Performing simple actions such as writing down an equation became so impossible because her mind was overcome with fear. The reactive part of her brain could only experience fear and anxiety blocking the higher order cognitive processes.

We rarely understand the necessity to train our mind to become free from fear and anxiety. We are only interested in stuffing it with more and more information even before the mind knows how to deal with this information. Dealing with information becomes easier when the mind is concentrated and negative emotions are kept out of the way of information-processing.

I do my bit of teaching meditation to as many children as I can and who are interested in joining the courses we conduct. But I often wonder how I can reach out to a larger audience. A lot of people are unconvinced about the benefits of meditation or are just lazy to practice it regularly. Because, unlike most of the activities in the present day world, it is not a quick-fix therapy, cannot be given in bite-sized modules or crash courses. It requires some valuable time off from the busy schedules that people are currently involved. Little do they realise that that time devoted to meditation can transform their lives removing layers and layers of fear and anxiety, like it did mine!

Thank you for the music.....

It was a great weekend---4th---6th November, Kalaa Utsavam 20011.
It began with Shaan taking us down memory lane with Kishoreda's hits from the 1950s to the 70s..Some of the memorable songs he sang were : Phoolon ke raang se, Tum bin jaoon kahan, Om Shanthi Om, Jaan ne Jaan.
I was a little disappointed that he didn't sing much of the songs picturised on Rajesh Khanna...which brought romance as well as pathos as in "Chingari Koi badke..." and other Amar Prem songs and Safar. But it looked like Shaan chose only fast paced songs of Kishoreda.
After about one and half hours of taking us into a world of Kishoreda, Shaan regaled us with his own popular Bollywood hits. I loved his "Jabse tere naina.." from Sawariya, "Chaand Sifarish."from Fanaa, Tanha Dil from his own album. Lovely evening!

The next day was a Dhrupad performance by Ustad Hussain Sayeedudin and his sons Nafeesudin and Aneesudin. It was really awesome! It was the first time Raja and I attended a concert in Dhrupad and we were truly awe-struck at the way Ustadji sang inspite of having a bad throat. He explained the Raaga he was going to sing before each piece which is really required for music illiterates like us!
Elaborating in this style of music at the end of the concert, Ustadji said that it was a music of devotion, in praise of dieties in temples, where the singers would sit in front of the dieties and sing while people sat behind the singers. He then commented that now he sings with people in front, so we are his gods! Maybe that was a hint on how commercial concerts have become with entertainment its primary focus.

On the 6th November evening it was time for the well-known Bollywood singer Kavita Krishnamurthy and her husband Dr. L Subramaniam, the Violin maestro. Actually I wasn't sure what to expect because I have never heard them do a concert together.

Kavita sang the first half and began with the beautiful bhajan, Shri Rama Chandra krupanu dharaman... of Sage Tulsidas, she followed it by that wonderful, melodious song.. Pyar hua Chupke se.. from 1942 A Love Story. Her other lovely song was from Saaz--"Baadal ghumad bad aaye ". Allah tero naam and a lovely soothing ghazal were the other memorable numbers she sang. She concluded the first half of the concert with a tillana accompanied by her stepson Ambi Subramiam.
The second half of the concert began with a splendid performance by Dr. Subramaniam and son Ambi on the violin. They played the Kalyani varnam in Adi Taal "Vanajakshi.." a piece I had learned on the veena. My happiness knew no bounds as it was a piece I loved and knew so well. They played the varnam at varying speeds keeping us mesmerised with the music.
With a tillana again, this time with Kavita singing it as well, the wonderful program came to an end.

It was a great experience attending these concerts: It helped me appreciate the richness of classical Indian music as well as enjoy the light heartedness of Bollywood music (Shaan). I am now eagerly looking forward to the next weekend of Balasai Flute and an evening with the poet Gulzar.
Thank you Kaala Utsavam 2011!

30-days at Dhamma Thali, Jaipur: Part 1

Even as I begin to write this I wonder if I would ever be able to express what I went through in the 30-days of Vipassana meditation this July -August.

Although I have been practicing this form of meditation for the past 16 years, the recent courses since 2009--the long courses have been very powerful in uprooting some deep negative habit patterns in a way that I wasn't particularly conscious about. My engagement in courses --both adult and children's courses have been a lot more in these recent years than ever before.

It was my first visit to Jaipur. I followed the instructions that the course manager emailed me: take a pre-paid taxi to the center. Jaipur reminded me of Hyderabad in the 70s (except for the pink buildings). Registration being done, as I walked around the center, I was struck by the number of peacocks strutting around freely, talking in their peacock language. There were a whole school of pigeons, a number of monkeys (Langurs) and a variety of birds of different hues. This was going to be my home for the next 30 days---no connection with the outside world.

The course started and I easily slipped into the routine. It didn't take long for my hyperactive mind to calm down and focus on the respiration. Ofcourse there were some days when I would get restless, but generally, I could remain focused for the major portion of the sittings. Even though I had very few hours of sleep in the night, I felt very rested in the morning.

When Vipassana was introduced on the 11th day, I was surprised that I could actually sit during adhitana ( the one hour motion-less group sitting). Wow Radhi! you have got it all correct! I thought gleefully to myself. From time to time I reminded myself that this was "annicca" (impermanent) and things could change any moment. And change came in a big way on the 21st day (August 2nd)

I got up in the morning and found that I couldn't stand! There was pain in my left foot --a feeling one gets when nerves get twisted. I somehow walked to the Dhamma Hall which was only a 2-minute walk from my room, but found it very difficult to get to the Dining Hall for breakfast later. On my way back after breakfast I met the teacher, and explained my strange condition. She gave me a pain balm and I happily went away thinking that a hot water fomentation could be another way to reduce pain.

The pain did not decrease...in fact it got worse. I spent the morning meditating in my room and managed to limp to the dining hall for lunch. The good part of the afternoon was also spent meditating in my room. In the evening, the Dhamma volunteer gave me a stick for support and I could manage to get to the Hall for the group sitting and discourse. I sat on a chair behind everyone. After the discourse the male teacher got me a regular walking stick and I limped back to my room. The teacher asked me to stay in my room the next morning and breakfast and lunch would be served to me in my room itself.

The next 2 days my foot got worse: fomentation ( hot and cold), balms, pain-killer---did nothing to improve the condition and now the foot was swollen. I asked for turmeric powder and made a paste and applied it...the Dhamma sevika said she would try and get me "chuna" (quicklime). So finally on the 4th of August, in the afternoon the angel (dhamma sevika) got me chuna and I made a paste of turmeric and chuna, warmed the cup with the help of a candle and applied the paste on my foot.

The next day I was able to walk better..and in another day I gave up the walking stick and sat on a "chowki" (low stool) instead of a chair.....and by the time the course ended, gave up the "chowki" --on metta day (Day 29) I could sit on my cushion on the ground.

30-days at Dhamma Thali, Jaipur: Part 2

The incident of my foot and the experience of those last 10 days were invaluable in my understanding of Dhamma --the laws of nature.

Many times in the children's courses I have explained to them that anything that is born, grows, blooms and then decays and dies. Pain came on its own, grew in intensity, reached its peak and then had to decay and die. I saw that happening through my experience.

In the beginning, on the first day I did think---maybe I am not worthy of a 30 day course, I should have gone for courses of shorter duration. I thought --I have learned everything that I can--worked with sincerity and now this? I felt like calling Raja and asking him to come over and take me away back to Singapore.

And then wisdom dawned.....let me put to practice what I have learned. My foot hurts when I walk--that was the truth of the moment. However, it did not prevent me from meditating when I was seated. So I focused on my respiration, calmed my agitated mind and focused on the sensations on my body without reacting to them. I found that whenever I rolled in the thoughts mentioned above, my mind got agitated and I was making things difficult for myself. I realized through experience that a calm and focused mind is a rested mind and a sensible mind that worked towards solutions.

Having thus calmed my mind, I worked towards getting to the Dhamma Hall every evening for the group sitting and discourse--it was difficult but not impossible. It was not impossible because my mind was calm and focused and could accept the reality as it presented itself. The discourses were so helpful. It was as if Goenkaji was speaking to me personally.

He said: Storms may come up from time to time...face them bravely... it could happen due to some deep seated negativity (sankhara) which would not have arisen if one had not worked seriously...so it is a good opportunity to clear oneself from the negativity.

Marananu sati: (awareness of death) what if death come in the next minute...would you want your mind to be in a state of agitation? This will lead to the next mind state which would be of a similar quality.

Another useful point made in his discourse was "chittanu passana" --Awareness of the mind, which is one part for the four establishments of Mindfulness. Very frequently my mind would engage in conversations with some people in my life. She says this..so I will say this.. then she will respond in this way and then I will say this in return and on and on.....!

I began to observe this pattern of conversations in my mind...whenever it occurred--I would just notice it---Oh here it is again! and my mind would quickly abandon it and return to the focus of respiration and sensations in my body.

It was a liberating experience--to cut the chatter in my mind, to break the generation of negative thoughts, to realize that everyone was suffering in their own way and every one was hurting others through their own ignorance. Some of the conversations in my mind were painful, yet I was indulging in them--I was doing that because of my own ignorance and what great attachment to this madness!

Another liberating experience was non-identification with whatever arose in the mind and body. Constant observation, noticing of the happenings in the mind and body paved the way for a gradual detachment or non-identification with them. I could watch my thoughts as they came up without getting involved with the contents; I could observe the pain, the swelling of my foot as it happened without getting perturbed or worried.

When I returned from Jaipur, I was transformed-- I knew I had changed. There were provocations for anger--but all that I felt was surprise--surprise that people could behave in a way that was different from my expectation. And compassion towards them...they don't know what they are doing! I felt lighter and happier than ever before.

My daughter Akanksha said that so beautifully: Amma is so happy ever since she returned from India.

Yes, it is not just an ordinary happiness one experiences when one returns to a family after a gap of one and half month..it is a happiness from deep within.... gratitude for being born in this era when I could receive the teaching in its purity, gratitude to the noble person who showed the way and people who preserved the tradition and brought it to us to learn and experience.

Tamil speaking

I have always been intrigued with my proficiency in Tamil. I do speak fluently in informal settings and am quite comfortable doing so. However, when I have to teach meditation to children which calls for public speaking in Tamil...I find it difficult. I don't sound confident and my voice sounds shaky. So I rehearse a lot before I teach..its ok...but just ok.

Recently, I had to speak to a person (an Indian) in Tamil over the phone---he spoke very little English and he needed help for his son who was coming to Singapore to study in a school here. I had no problem speaking and counselling him and he was happy that he could speak in his native language to a person in a foreign land.

In Kuantan, Malaysia when I was discussing this language issue with a Tamil speaking volunteer, she admitted to me that she wasn't confident in speaking in Tamil, although her entire primary school was in Tamil-medium. She said that in social settings, she speaks Malay, and since that language was the dominant language, the Tamil she spoke also had a number of Malay words. She said even her Tamil friends and relatives spoke a language mixed with Tamil and Malay.

Yesterday I met a Singaporean Tamil friend and what he said was even more interesting. He said he could read and write Tamil very well, but had trouble speaking--both formally and informally. The fact that this friend learned Tamil in school explained his proficiency in reading and writing.

My reading and writing of Tamil is not very good while my informal spoken Tamil is reasonably good. I say reasonable because I do find it difficult to keep out English words for coming into the conversations I have with people.

At home I do make it a point to speak to my husband in Tamil. However, when I really want to convey something important I switch to English. I speak to my girls in Tamil as well, but they usually respond to me in English. Needless to say the girls do not speak very well and have trouble understanding at times, and I have always been accused of not really teaching them their native language.

In recent years I have been putting in efforts to learn to read and write in Tamil. While I have improved a great deal, its not yet at the stage I would like it to be.

However, it always seems intriguing to me that English, which is actually a foreign language, is actually the language I can speak, read & write and teach. While I struggle with Tamil. All to do with education? with writing and passing exams? How are we expected to learn our native language when we don't learn it in school?

I learn by reading and with a dictionary and now through the internet. Its slow, but I know I am learning and improving little by little.

GIIS-East Coast Teen-course

It's almost a week since the last course at East Coast. That day was one of the most fulfilling days of my life. Very often it is a challenge to conduct a meditation course for young children and make it meaningful for them. And this group of students at GIIS-East Coast were Grade 9 students around the age group of 13-14years. They were in that developmental age where there would be resistance and in some cases rebellion towards adult-initiated programs. We (the school and me) even considered making it optional for the students to attend. However, the Vice-Principal of the school was firm in her commitment that young people of this age-group are clearly in need of an anchor in life and this program, she was sure, would provide such an anchor.

So we went ahead wondering how many students of the 59 on roll (26 girls and 33 boys) would actually turn up on a Saturday morning at 9am when the rest of the school was enjoying a lovely weekend. Well, they did--not all but a majority of them. There were 37 in total (so more than half turned up) 20 boys and 17 girls. That was good enough!

It is a pleasure to work with children who are motivated to do well and take things that are given to them in a positive and creative way. Right from the start I noticed that they were paying attention to instructions, and processing what was being said, and finding ways to apply it to their day-to-day lives.

In the small group discussions that I had with the youngsters they were very eager to make sure they understood correctly what was being said over the video and audio CD instructions from Goenkaji.

Questions that some of the girls asked me were: "So do you think, I should practice this before I start to study?...for how long?" "Will it help in controlling my anger?" "How?" "Oh I should really try this...I have such a bad temper"

They also wanted to know how to continue with their work when they feel so upset sometimes. I then explained that because of our increased connectivity thanks to the internet, the reactive part of the brain is very very active. We are constantly bombarded with media information and information from friends and relatives. This may give rise to a lot of emotions some of which may be very unpleasant. This constant state of arousal comes in the way of cognitive processes of the frontal-cortex which is responsible for higher order processes such as thinking, reasoning, and problem solving. A practice such as meditation is useful in calming down the reactive, emotional part of the brain (limbic system), allowing the cognitive part of the brain function more effectively.

One girl and her friend said they were taught earlier on, in their childhood, that meditation was "not to think of anything". And now we were teaching them this... to observe their breath--so they were wondering what it is all about--a bit at a loss.

So I asked her: Yes, you were told "don't think of anything"--tell me were you able to do that? Not think of anything?

She said: No it was and is difficult not to think of anything.

I said: So when you are asked to observe your breath coming in, going out are you able to do that?

She said: Yes, I am able to observe my breath

I said: Now, are you thinking of anything when you are observing you natural respiration?

She said: No I am just observing the breath

So I said:---so,what you were told as a child was not incorrect. Meditation is not thinking of anything--but its difficult to start off by not thinking of anything.Observing your respiration helps you get to the stage of cutting out your thoughts. Its a tool to help you get there.

Towards the last session when I asked a small group, how their experience was one girl said: "Amazing!" "I feel so peaceful and calm!"

Needless to say, it was a delight to be with them. They were working at it and actively trying apply it to their lives. Personally, it was one of the most fulfilling & satisfying courses I have ever conducted. And this sentiment was shared by the entire team of volunteers who were there to assist the students.