Making yourself an island where you can take refuge

"Look not to the faults of others, nor to their omissions and commissions. But rather look to your own acts, to what you have done and left undone." The Buddha

This is one of my many favorite quotes of The Buddha. Infact all his quotes/ sayings are so true and inspiring. Nevertheless, they are sometimes a challenge to put into practice. With regular practice of meditation living by these quotes become a little more easier as you clearly see the wisdom behind it.

Recently, I did get rattled by what I read online. It was a review of a play/dance- drama called "Yashodhara"  -Siddharth Gotama's wife, of what she would have gone through when Siddhartha left her to seek the truth. It was based on a poem written by a well-known Hindi poet Mitilisharan Gupt. Somewhere in the review it said that although everyone knows The Buddha as a Great spiritual leader little is known of his wife who has been left in the sidelines.

I do accept that plays, poems and other works of art have a lot to do with an artist's imagination and therefore has to be appreciated from that standpoint. But it did unsettle me. Because it seemed to suggest that there is a flaw in the life of a person whose teachings I revere.

This is not an isolated case. Many a time, other spiritual leaders' lives have been examined and flaws highlighted or fictionalized. I wish people with artistic imaginations leave Spiritual Leaders outside of their creative works. Because by fictionalizing their lives, it  hurts the sentiments of those who revere or live by their teachings. Well, why should they care about that? Afterall a lot of people do appreciate plays/dance/dramas which is the artistic expressions of writers and performers.

Granted, but would anyone like it if their lives or relationships were to be fictionalized by people whom they have never met?  As someone said to me--its a celebrity culture, where you look at people who are well known and see what's negative or not so good in their lives and gloss over it.

Well, be that as it may, I returned to examine my own self and see clearly what was it that was going on inside, in my own body and mind. And it was the teachings which helped me see clearly.

"Those who speak much are blamed, those who speak little are blamed. In this world there are none who are not blamed. Try not to blame."

"Find out for yourself what is truth, what is real. Discover that there are virtuous things and there are non-virtuous things. Once you have discovered for yourself give up the bad and embrace the good."

And finally the invaluable final day discourse in the 30-day course:

 Nobody is truly your friend. Everyone you have met in this life, you will leave at the time of death--and that includes your mother and father, brother/sister/ friend. What is truly your friend which never leaves you  life after life is your own mind--the four parts of it : your consciousness, your perceptions, your sensations, your reactions. Constantly work on these and keep realizing the impermanence of sensations which will free you from the bondage of repeated births and lead you out of suffering.

And in Hindi he (Goenkaji) sums it up: Apne Karm suddhar le

In the words of The Buddha "All beings are the owners of their Kamma"

These recollections and reminders helped me to let go of what was not true and continue my practice for greater clarity and wisdom.

Diversions..

It's been a long, long time since I wrote here. I have re-discovered my interest in art after many years and have been gong about it with quite a bit of zeal and enthusiasm. Consequently my days are quite packed with 2 hours of meditation, cooking & keeping house, working 4 days a week at the University and creating works of art.

I wondered at this obsession with art. Yes, I was always interested in it in my younger days but apart from doing some sketches, a one-off oil painting, I did not produce this many as I am currently. Maybe I had lesser opportunities in India or child-rearing and academic pursuits took away most of my time then. Whatever the reason I am quite enjoying what I do now--it gives me a satisfaction never experienced before.

I also recalled one of the discourses in the long course of Vipassana meditation. Goenkaji cautions us that as one progresses on this path, there are many challenges that a practitioner would have to face from time to time. He speaks of Mara who he says can be seen in two ways. One, as a personification of our own impurities, our negativities which block us from doing good deeds ( such as meditation). The second way to understand Mara is as a Deva putra, who feels a kind of jealousy towards people who meditate and attempt to come out of their defilements and thereby suffering. He (Mara) feels that there is nothing wrong in people enjoying sensual pleasures and will therefore do things to hinder a persons' development on the path. No matter how we want to view this, it is important that we recognize the challenges or obstacles that we may encounter as some can be very deceptive and subtle.

For instance we may have some weakness ( which seems like our strength in disguise) such as we may have a talent for public speaking. So all the time when we ought to be meditating, we start imagining giving a lecture to an imaginary audience informing them about the virtues of meditation... and in the mean while stop meditating totally. Its difficult to tell which way this negative force would keep us from doing what we should be doing--especially regular meditation.

I am so thankful that I attended the long courses and have been quite careful that no matter how interested or enthusiastic I am in creating works of art --my new passion, I do not give up on my meditation practice. And as long as I follow the path and the practice, I have not lost touch with the sense of balance that is needed for a dharmic life.

Zhuhai--Part 2

The next day dawned ... Tuesday the 27th and the plan was to go sightseeing the city. We -included Raja's Indian friend, Rabi (who took a day off)and his wife Deepa who have been in Zhuhai for about a month. Raja of course was at work.

At about 9 am Raja's Chinese friend who speaks English, picked us ( Rabi, Deepa and me) and we drove first to a historical place Chen Fang's residence. Chen Fang was China's first consul to Hawaii and first overseas Chinese millionaire. After his return to China in 1890, along with his Hawaiian wife (of Royal family), he engaged in a lot of charity work. The Emperor Gaungxu allowed the construction of the stone archways as a recognition of Chen Fang's philanthropy. Apart from the the stone arches, the residence had interesting pieces of architecture which was a mixture of Chinese and Western. He had about 7 children of his first wife, a Chinese and 17 of his second wife, the Hawaiian.

One of the  halls has wax figures of well-known people of Zhuhai, including a famous, erudite monk, and China's very first world table- tennis champion.

Our next stop was to see the quintessential of Zhuhai, the iconic, Fisher girl statue on the waters of Xianglu Bay. Standing on a rock, she is a symbol of grace and beauty, draped by a fishing net and hands holding aloft a huge pearl. There is a legend around it, which sounds quite cliched..so I won't repeat it here. 

We did some other visits such as a huge museum chronicling the people who built the city of Zhuhai,including the person who first used block printing as an art. But the highlight of the day were the visits to Chen Fang's residence and the Fisher girl statue.

In the evening we dined at Rabi and Deepa's house.... a simple Indian meal and they shared with me the travails of living in a city where you do not know the local language. They get by to a large extent with a pocket dictionary....searching for the English word and showing it to shop assistants for them to read the Chinese translation! 

The next couple of days, I spent sketching, marking Stats papers that I had carried with me, going for walks around the hotel and capturing local life through my camera. The weather was chilly with a slight drizzle almost continuously. 

Friday's dinner was at a Chinese restaurant, hosted by Raja's counterpart at Jutal and it was the first time I could manage a meal with chopsticks...vegetarian meal of course!

And now we are in HK for a few days, before I return to Singapore alone, while Raja goes back to work in Zhuhai for another week.

Zhuhai --Part 1

This was written yesterday in 'Notes'. Copy pasted today...when we could access FB and my blog :)

Today is the last day of my visit to Zhuhai, China. I thought of blogging about it, but my blog  does not open, so I guess just like Facebook is banned, the ban applies to private blogs as well.

It's been an interesting 5 days here in Zhuhai. We arrived on Sunday by ferry from Hongkong where we flew from Singapore. It's a one hour ferry ride from Hongkong. My husband Raja visits this place often on work. He is a materials engineer and works for FMC, Singapore. FMC stands for Food Machinery Corporation, and has quite a bit of history. It is now making equipment for oil extraction ...called subsea equipment among other things for the oil industry. Currently their customers are Chevron, and to make this equipment a company in China is engaged (Jutal, Zhuhai). Raja visits Jutal, Zhuhai to do NDT (Non-Destructive Testing) one of the procedures required in enforcing quality of the product according to customer specifications.

This is what I have gathered from what he explained to me. With absolutely no background in Engineering,  I sometimes find it difficult to wrap my brains around  the work Raja is involved in. But he simply loves what he is doing and I think that is great, because I am not very fascinated with machines or how they work.

As he frequently visits Zhuhai, this visit coincided with a week of my own free time, and hence I decided to accompany him.

Monday evening (after Raja's work) we went to Ocean Spring Resorts. This is China's first 'National Development Base of Vacation Tourism'. It has many amusement activities in it, including hot springs.

We however watched a spectacular show 'The Memories of the Sea" . It had about 200 performers from different parts of the world who told a simple story of a little elf trapped in a fishing net..the kind fisherman who saves her and their lovely relationship thereafter. They wove this simple tale with the help of music, dance, ballet, acrobatics... Simply lovely. The grand finale was a performance with doves, that were later released in the hall, and all of them flew to their homes backstage... Well trained ones!!

Later that evening we went to the Indian Kitchen (restaurant) for dinner, a haven for vegetarians like me.  Great way to end the day!

Some reflections

It has been a long time since I wrote. Many things have happened in this time. I have become a Singapore citizen and therefore have a new passport and painfully have to take a visa to visit India. Anyway as someone said, when you pick up one end of a stick, you automatically pick up the other end too.
I have immersed myself deeper into the practice of Vipassana, now working more closely with the area teachers and taking on a few more responsibilities. My recent visit to Malaysia, where I served in the 10 day course was another huge learning experience, as all courses are.

From time to time I am quite intrigued by the fact that Westerners find India and Indian ways so confusing. For instance, the many languages that India has, what is "mother-tongue", what is caste and how do you know who is a brahmin and who is not; things which are so natural and automatic to my understanding requires a great deal of explanation to a Westerner. I suppose it is the huge cultural difference. India is far too complex, too many layers, divisions and sub-divisions to grasp for a Westerner with the added confusion of caste and social class.

In any case I have been working on my native language, mainly learning through the internet and can now read quite well. That has also been a subject of curious questions. How come I have to learn my native language? How come I do not read and write in Tamil? And then I take them on a Indian Education System 101 :) . Hindi is the national language but all Indians do not speak the language (especially South India). But since it is the national language we have to study it in school. Further, each state of India has its own language. For instance, my home town is Hyderabad in Andhra Pradesh where Telugu is the dominant language, so that language is offered in schools. However, we do have an option to read Sanskrit instead of Telugu. Finally, partially giving up the attempt to make sense of all my explanations, my teacher (a Westerner)simply said..."India is a vast country indeed....a real vast country"

Some where in the process of giving these explanations what I have noticed is a subtle but a sure transformation of how I view India and Indians. I now understand how a non-Indian sees India and have gradually become more objective in my views about India. Sometimes these complex perceptions become a disadvantage as it comes in the way of relating to extended family members back in India. For instance, there seems to be a thin line between what genuine concern and an exercise of control. Suggestions are rarely just suggestions they become commands that one has to follow.

However, I do love to visit India and especially visiting friends and relatives there, and the experiencing the  richness of Vipassana meditation practice in the centers. In addition sharing my experiences with friends and their families who for various reasons are not able to do the courses but want me to share with them my insights. In a vicarious way they benefit from my conversations and hopefully inspired to take up the courses in future.

Letting go...

I have difficulty in dealing with people who try to control my life. Who ask me to do certain things which I am not willing to do. My initial response to these requests (which I interpret as "orders") is a form of psychological reactance---I will do opposite of what is asked of me or defiantly refuse to comply. Being an Indian and raised in a conservative brahmin family, I am expected to be an obedient daughter, daughter-in-law, wife ....but I have resisted all forms of control. Fortunately for me, my husband pretty much lets me do whatever I am interested in, and has supported my pursuance of meditation--which includes long absences from home. However, I have not been comfortable with requests from my mother, and resist what I see as attempts to control my life.

My practice of meditation helps me resolve this kind of situation as well. Initially, so enamored I was with Vipassana meditation, that I totally refused to perform rituals of prayer and puja or visit temples. If I did so, I would do it with reluctance. Now, having a much better understanding of the practice as well as the traditions and rituals I was raised in, the conflict is minimized greatly.My teachers in meditation always enquired about my family and advised that I never quarrel or neglect family responsibilities in my pursuance of the path. Addressing the conflicts that sometimes seem to arise in visiting temples and the meditation practice which is devoid of rituals, the teacher in my last 30 day course in Jaipur said---Radhi, when you can give metta to all beings in this universe, small and big, visible and invisible, why can't you share that metta with with gods and goddesses in temples and the invisible beings there? That resonated very well with my thoughts as well, and erased the few traces of reluctance I might have had in visiting temples.

However, two days ago when my mother called and asked me to visit the temple on a particular day along with my entire family, my old self popped up its resistance to orders and control. Being the good, polite daughter that I was, I gave a non-committal answer. I struggled with the request for about an hour or so, and then suddenly stopped--I realised how attached I was to my ideas, my views, my opinions. I realised that I had no problems going to a temple, my resistance was what I perceieved to be my mother's attempt at control--telling me what I should do on a particular day. I decided to let go of that perception. I decided to get dis-engaged with my interpretations, my thoughts and my opinions. Ah! what freedom there is when one is willing to let go! I happily went to the temple with Raja and Pavithra and covered a few more errands before returning home.

While the above incident required some deliberate effort in order to put in practice my new awakening, in some other instances, it is relatively smooth and effortless. As when I causally ran into an ex-colleague at my university and she looked away when I greeted her. For a fraction of second, I felt insulted and my mind was about to start interpreting the incident in negative ways and I effortlessly changed it with thoughts of compassion. Maybe she has some problem? why would she ignore me otherwise? May she come out of her difficulties....The next day I happened to meet her again at a common friend's Christmas party and while she looked a trifle sheepish, I could respond with the same warmth and care as I always had in previous occasions. Liberation! liberation from the bondages of emotions and attachment.

I could see the gains of my last course at Jaipur being sustained in my life outside of the course.

Reflections

It was a tutorial on Regression (Statistics). After working a number of problems with the students, I was instructing them the steps to find the Regression Line on SPSS. There are very few students in the tutorial class, so I walked to this quiet girl to see how she was progressing with her work. I guided her and then asked her to write the equation for the Regression line. As she hesitated, I told her the equation---Y(hat) = bX + a
Her fingers opened and closed, and she tried to put her pencil on paper, but couldn't write Y...and when she did after a few trials, she couldn't get the 'hat' correctly on Y. I gently asked her to do it but was very surprised that she couldn't write more than that. Only then it dawned on me that she was feeling overwhelmed with my presence next to her. Her anxiety was so much that she couldn't write this simple equation.

I moved away, but was quite taken aback by her behavior. And yet it was somewhat familiar......many years ago I was such a student...scared of the teacher in school, afraid to make mistakes, afraid of looking stupid, with a background of comments such as "Can't you do such a simple thing?" " you are so slow" "how long you take to grasp such a simple thing!" whirring in my head.

Its been a long journey for me since those days of ignorance and fear. To some extent life's experiences teach one to become confident and competent, knocking off some of the fear & anxiety. However, a slow and steady transformation came about ever since I attended courses in Vipassana meditation and started practicing regularly. People who knew me in my teens and twenties are amazed at the changed person I have become.

Focusing on the breath coming in and going out of the nostrils helps to concentrate the mind. And this concentration brings about a sense of confidence in the person, for concentration helps one to be focused when engaged in a task and thus working far more efficiently than an unfocused person. This greater efficiency in carrying out tasks increases the person's confidence. This is one of the many benefits of meditation.Staying on task, noticing when the mind has strayed by distractions, gently getting it back on task--this sounds so simple but can become a challenge for people who are unused to meditation. Like the girl in my class. Performing simple actions such as writing down an equation became so impossible because her mind was overcome with fear. The reactive part of her brain could only experience fear and anxiety blocking the higher order cognitive processes.

We rarely understand the necessity to train our mind to become free from fear and anxiety. We are only interested in stuffing it with more and more information even before the mind knows how to deal with this information. Dealing with information becomes easier when the mind is concentrated and negative emotions are kept out of the way of information-processing.

I do my bit of teaching meditation to as many children as I can and who are interested in joining the courses we conduct. But I often wonder how I can reach out to a larger audience. A lot of people are unconvinced about the benefits of meditation or are just lazy to practice it regularly. Because, unlike most of the activities in the present day world, it is not a quick-fix therapy, cannot be given in bite-sized modules or crash courses. It requires some valuable time off from the busy schedules that people are currently involved. Little do they realise that that time devoted to meditation can transform their lives removing layers and layers of fear and anxiety, like it did mine!